Revisions

by Melissa

Final scene, located between triple asterisks, by Jennifer Ferris

Part Two

Weeks passed. The crew slowly became used to the stiffer relationship between their Captain and her First Officer and stopped tiptoeing around them. They would share bridge duty together now as before, but there was none of the casual banter of the past between them, no conversation that bordered on flirting, and no laughter. It was all business on the bridge of Voyager now. Chakotay thought sometimes he would go insane from the effort of restraining himself, but was determined that if he could not have the part of her that he wanted, then all they would have was a command relationship. He would still stand beside her in crisis, still lend his support--but when he looked at her, there would be no shared smile of recognition, no jokes about Tom's spelling in his reports, no invitations to dinner meetings. He still did his best to avoid her off duty, but after the weeks had begun to go by, he had gradually gotten to the point where seeing her in the mess hall no longer increased the ache that had taken up permanent residence in his heart. He had taken to eating all his meals with B'Elanna, and though he was pleased to see their friendship restrengthening and knew the Engineer was as happy about it as he was, it was no real substitute for Janeway. It never would be.

Sometimes he wondered how much longer he could bear it.

But no matter what she had done, he had made promises too. And he would keep his.

"Are you coming tonight?" B'Elanna set her tray down across from him and sat down, trying not to watch him push his food around on his plate for the sixth or seventh time that week.

"Coming where?"

"Ensign Donaldson's birthday; didn't you read the general invitation?"

Chakotay groaned inwardly. He had seen the invitation, but had hoped to be an unnoticed absentee. "I read it."

"I think you should come. You haven't attended anything for a long time."

"I'll think about it."

"Well, I--"

"Don't push, B'Ela, okay?" He stared at her until she nodded and picked up her fork again. "Is the Captain coming?" he asked, trying to keep his tone casual, cursing himself for caring.

"I don't know, Chakotay; probably. She usually comes to everything." The half-Klingon took a deep breath, reached out and touched his hand. "Would she keep you from coming?"

He looked at her for a long moment, emotions warring in his eyes. "No. I'll still be there." B'Elanna opened her mouth to say something else, but he waved her quiet. "I know what you're going to say, and I appreciate it, but I can't talk about it. I'm sorry."

She nodded once as he stood up, tray in hand. "You have my support, Chakotay--and a lot of the others," she said, knowing he would understand. He leaned down, nudged her chin with a thumb, a faint smile ghosting around his mouth.

"You're a good friend," he said quietly. "The best," he added, walking away to the recycler and then out the door. B'Elanna sat in the mess hall for a long time after, smiling from his words, and worrying over his discontent.

***********************************************************************************

"Tuvok to Janeway."

"Janeway here."

"May I speak with you, Captain?"

"Certainly, Tuvok. I'm in my quarters."

**BWEE-DOOP**

He certainly doesn't waste time, Janeway thought wryly. "Come in," she called, her lips lifting in a slight smile as the tall Vulcan entered. "Can I offer you some tea?"

He nodded slightly, seating himself on the couch at her gesture and taking the small cup when she held it out to him. Settling herself next to him and picking up her abandoned cup, she said,

"What's on your mind?"

Tuvok turned his head towards her, raising the cup to his lips once and then setting it down on the table. "I am sorry, Captain, that I disobeyed your orders in contacting the Vidiians."

Janeway took a long sip of her tea. "Tuvok, you can hardly think I am angry with you. Despite the fact I had given you an order, you were the Captain when you made the decision."

He looked away and then back, his eyes serious as always. "Perhaps I should...be more specific. I am sorry for any distress your return to Voyager has caused you."

Breathing was difficult for a moment, before she got the emotions that surged through her on that remark under control. "Tuvok, I--"

"Captain, I have known you for a very long time. I know how important regulations and protocols are to you. I know that your ship and your crew are the most important things in your life."

"You're right," she said softly.

"However, circumstances were very different for you when we left you behind. Surely there was no need for command structure once you were alone with the Commander."

'You know, Chakotay, we're not exactly in a command structure right now. Maybe you should call me Kathryn.'

"There was not," she agreed.

"You have been brought back into that command structure very suddenly. The transition could not have been an easy one."

"No," she admitted, unsure of where the conversation was headed.

"Perhaps the transition did not need to be made," Tuvok said, looking away again.

What is he saying? she thought needlessly. She knew exactly what he was saying, though it was almost impossible to believe. "Are you saying..."

"Captain." His voice cut into her sentence. "Your well-being directly affects that of the crew. You are the most fair-minded, protocol-conscious individual I have ever known. Any...decisions you and the Commander made while on that planet could hardly be detrimental to this ship, because you would never allow them to interfere." His eyes bore into hers. Slowly, she nodded. "If you will excuse me, Captain, I have bridge duty, and if I am not mistaken, you have a party to prepare for." He stood up and walked towards the door.

"Tuvok." He turned back. "Thank you."

When he had gone, she sat on the couch for a long while, contemplating his words, remembering those of another, and silently rearranging her resolve in her head.

************************************************************

The party was in full swing when Chakotay arrived over an hour after it began. He paused in the doorway of the holodeck, tugging absently on the collar of the dark brown shirt he had dug out of his closet for the occasion. The Sandrine's program was in full swing; it had long been the preferred setting for crew birthday parties. He scanned the crowd quickly, plotting the fastest course to the bar in his head before starting towards it.

"Good evening, Commander," Kes greeted him with a gentle smile as she and Neelix intercepted his path across the room.

"Hello Kes, Neelix. Quite a party." He smiled back, eyes scanning the crowd once more.

"Try my new goulash, Commander; it seems to be quite popular among the guests," urged the Talaxian cheerfully. "Come on, sweeting, let's get something to eat ourselves."

"I'm coming. Enjoy yourself, Commander," said Kes, following Neelix towards the buffet. "Oh--" she stopped, turning over her shoulder. "The Captain's over there," she said quietly, indicating a corner booth. He stared at her, unblinking, before nodding once and continuing his way to the bar.

"Just some water, please," he said to the bartender. Picking up the glass, he settled himself on a high stool, content to watch for now. Elizabeth Donaldson, the guest of honor, was surrounded by her Stellar Cartography co-workers at the pool table where apparently she was beating Tom Paris at his own game. B'Elanna and Harry were standing at the pilot's shoulder, laughing and heckling his every move, their smiles widening as he scowled at them. The engineer looked up, saw Chakotay watching them, and raised her glass in silent salute. He lifted his own towards her with a nod and moved to stand, but Janeway appeared over Harry's shoulder from nowhere and he sat back down.

She wore a sleeveless dress, simple in its crafting, fashioned of a thin pale blue material that skimmed lightly over her hips before falling to just below her knees. A long, wide scarf of the same material was wound around her neck and shoulders in an intricate design that intrigued him momentarily, until he realized the reason for it, and his face paled.

"Ouch. Careful, Chakotay!"

"You're the one who keeps flinching, Kathryn; unless you want this to look like a picture of Neelix, you'd better hold still." He raised the tool again, placing one hand on her right shoulder for balance as he carefully inked the design into the skin of her left. "I still can't believe I'm doing this."

Her hand reached up at that, covered his, stilled his motions. "Why?" she asked quietly.

"Well, it's not part of your traditions, Kath--"

She turned towards him, her eyes gentle and serious, a half-smile on her mouth. "It's part of your tradition, Chakotay, and part of you." She raised her hand, traced the design on his forehead, her touch whisper-soft. "I want something of you with me always."

His throat tightened, and his eyes stung. Surely she was too glorious to be his, and yet she knelt before him, love shining in her eyes that defied description. "You already have a part of me," he said, his voice breaking slightly as he raised his hand to his heart. "Once given, I'll never take it away."

Her eyes brightened in turn, the tears beginning to spill down her cheeks quietly. "I know." She leaned forward and kissed him gently. "My dearest love," she murmured into his mouth, and then turned back around. He blinked rapidly, fierce joy welling up in him, an eternal spring, and returned to the task at hand.

She was watching him. He could feel it. He would not look at her. He would not.

He had no resolve, apparently, he thought to himself mockingly as he turned and caught her gaze. She was looking right at him, and the look in her eyes was familiar. He was imagining things, he decided.

Just like he was imagining her walking towards him.

"Hello, Chakotay," she said quietly, slipping onto the stool next to him.

"Captain," he acknowledged, his stomach lurching as he watched her order a glass of wine.

"Having a good time?" she asked.

He stared at her unbelievingly, and then moved to leave. "Excuse me, Captain."

She reached out, laid a hand on his arm. "Please."

He looked at her with a mixture of curiosity, trepidation, and annoyance mingling on his face, and sat back down.

They sat in silence for a long moment as Janeway sipped her wine, and then said, "What are we going to do about this?"

"What are we going to do about this?"

Her hands faltered on the boxes a moment, and then she continued packing, her back turned to him. "I don't know, Chakotay. I never factored this in to the equation."

"Damn it, Kathryn, this is not a science project!" His raised voice startled them both. They had been discussing Voyager's imminent return in a roundabout way since Tuvok had contacted them three hours before. She had been avoiding the subject of their still-new relationship, focusing instead on the status of the ship and the things they would need to do to catch up after their return. He had quietly gone along with the conversation but was rapidly approaching the end of his patience with it.

She turned to face him, finally, and in the light streaming through the open door he saw how pale she was.

"Kathryn..."

She walked forward into his arms quickly, her hands clenching in the back of his shirt, her face pressed to his neck. Her breathing was shallow, and he heard a catch in her voice as she tried to speak. "I--I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she repeated the words over and over as he held her, one large hand smoothing her hair as he whispered consoling words in her ear. When her trembling stilled, he led her over to the bench and guided them both down to it.

"We can do this--we can have both lives on that ship, Kathryn."

"I know."

"We just need to work together, to plan together. We'll be careful. It will work."

"I know."

"I can't lose you now," he said, pulling her closer to him.

"I love you," she murmured, her lips touching his neck. "You won't lose me. You won't," she said fiercely, shifting her weight into his lap. "You won't."

He could see that she was caught up in the same memory as he met her eyes and then tore his gaze away again. "I don't know what kind of game you're playing now, Kathryn, but I can't do this. I'm sorry."

"It's not a game now, Chakotay, and it never was." She took a deep breath that seemed to rattle in her chest, and then lifted a hand to her neck. One twist of her wrist brought the scarf pooling into her lap in a cloud of blue, the smaller mark of his people now plainly visible on her left shoulder. "If you'd come with me, Commander, I think we may need to...define some new parameters. Special parameters."

"We've been here before, Kathryn," he said, forcing down the emotions that were rising in his heart. "I can't travel this road anymore."

"Not the same road, no," she said lightly, though the look in her eyes belied her tone. "I've been stupid, Chakotay; stupid and afraid and resistant. If you'll consider forgiving me, I'll even let you tell me just how stupid I've been."

***

Against his will, a smile quirked his lips at that. "Kathryn Janeway, admitting she may have been wrong? Surely this is one for the logs." His eyes searched hers, seeking the truth he needed, and finding it. He stood up, and after a moment's hesitation, held out his hand. She took it, and her answering smile was brilliant.

For a moment they stood there, in Tom Paris's seedy cabaret, watching each other. Measuring. Without words, Chakotay's eyes challenged her. Kathryn lifted her chin, proudly, in response. He turned and beckoned Sandrine over. The barkeep, trailing perfume, leaned in as Chakotay whispered in her ear.

The music started up a moment later. Sandrine wandered through the crowd, squeezing shoulders, kissing Paris briefly and stroking B'Elanna's cheek in passing. "Mes amis. . . this night is a celebration of birth and life. This music is for lovers. Dance. Dance!" The unseen musicians segued into a sentimental song from twenty years before, "My Only Love". It had been popular with young lovers while they were both at the academy. Chakotay had requested it, knowing Janeway could not mistake its meaning.

Nor could she ignore the public declaration. Chakotay turned to her, holding out one hand, waiting to see what she would do. "Feeling brave, Captain?"

She held his gaze, taking her time, letting Chakotay see that this was a conscious decision. Her eyes were very bright. "Immeasurably, Commander."

Chakotay pulled her close, his hand tightening on her waist. "Dance with me."

"Always."

They moved into the open area to dance as the music wove softly around them. Chakotay nestled his cheek in Kathryn's hair. She brought her other hand up to his neck. They danced, knowing that eyes were on them, moving as one. Moving together.

The blue scarf lay on the bar, forgotten.

***

FINIS

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