Peregrination--part five
by Melissa

**For disclaimers, see part one

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They stood there, silent, seeking strength from each other for several minutes. Finally, Chakotay spoke, and his voice was ragged. Regretful. "I'm so sorry. I'm so very s--"

"Sssh." She touched her fingers to his lips. "I know. I know you are. We'll work through this." She drew him back to her, not willing to let go until she was sure he was there. That he was staying. Quietly, hesitantly, Chakotay dipped his head and their lips met. They were both trembling. She could feel the fear, the uncertainty, as he threaded his fingers gently through her hair, brushing his lips over her face, and her hands drifted over his back.

"Torres to Janeway."

They both started as the voice rang, echoing, throughout the room. Janeway pulled back slightly, not moving away from him. "Janeway here."

"Captain, is...everything all right with the matrix in there?"

A smile quivered on her lips as she answered. "Yes, Lieutenant. There were several problems--but I think they're under control."

"Understood, Captain." The relief in B'Elanna's voice was obvious. "Torres out."

Janeway looked up at Chakotay soberly. "Tell me what you want me to do. How to help you."

"I don't think you can," he said, regret still visible on his face.

"I thought we just agreed that--"

"Kathryn." He held up a hand, and his voice was soft. "I know you want to help me. Be with me. I want it too. But you're not a counselor."

The protest faded from her face as she listened to him. "No, that's your area, usually." Then it dawned on her. "You want to talk to--"

"The Doctor. I should talk to the Doctor first." He looked away, raising one still-trembling hand and pushing it through his hair. "I've recommended it for crew members before, but I never thought--"

Janeway reached out gentle fingers and turned his face back to hers. "Most wouldn't be able to admit they needed it, Chakotay. And when you're done..." her voice faded away and her eyes dropped.

"When I'm done?" he prompted, the fear returning.

When she looked back up at him, her eyes were bright, and her face determined. Decided. "When you're done, I'll be waiting. And then neither one of us will ever have to wait again."

Chakotay reached out, pulled her back to him. Held her, a long, long moment. Janeway rubbed her cheek against his chest, listened to him breathing. The decision was made, had been made a long time ago. They were strong separately. Together, there were endless possibilities. A thousand different endings, but each with Chakotay beside her. "I wish--" Again, her voice faded off. He pulled back slightly, tipping her face up to his.

"Let me give it to you," he said, and the look in his eyes had her breath catching in her throat. A little ruefully, she shook her head.

"I know you would. But you can't give me this. I wish I could have helped you, could have seen--"

"Ssh." He was shaking his head now. "You did what you could. I wouldn't let you do more. I wasn't ready to do more." He straightened slightly, something of his old resolve centering in his gaze. "I'm ready now."

"Okay," she said, tightening her grip on him. "It's a good idea. But I have an apology to make first, and an explanation."

"Whatever you want, Kathryn."

"No." She shook her head. "Not anymore. You don't exist solely to prop me up, Chakotay. But we'll work on that," she said, and closed her eyes briefly when a smile flitted over his face. "Do you want me to send him back to sick bay?"

Chakotay shook his head. "No. To my quarters." He sighed, stroking her hair almost absently. "I have someone else I can talk to while I wait for him--I have an apology of my own to make." She nodded, understanding, and he tapped his comm badge. "Chakotay to Torres."

"Torres here."

"Are you still in the holodeck?"

"No. But I'm only a turbolift away, if you need me."

"Yes--if you can come."

"On my way."

Chakotay looked down at Janeway, dipping his head and brushing his lips across hers. "Will I see you later?" Uncertainty shadowed his eyes.

Tears shimmered in her eyes as she pulled his head back down to hers. "I'll be right next door."

"I'll bang out the secret knock when I'm done with the Doctor."

She laughed at that, and the sound had his throat tightening. He hauled her against him, his arms encircling her tightly. "Maybe you can finish your drawings."

"I want the story of that tattoo," she said, her voice muffled against his neck.

"You'll get tired of my stories," he smiled, rubbing his nose in her hair.

Janeway's eyes locked to his and she shook her head. "No. That's how it all started, isn't it?"

Two hands locked across a table in their memories, and he nodded, silently.

The doors opened and B'Elanna stepped in cautiously, her eyes taking in the bare holodeck and her commanding officers in the center of it, their arms still around one another.

"Hi," B'Elanna said, her face somber, but her eyes full of relief. "Need me to recommend a program?"

Chakotay dropped his arms, squeezing Janeway's hands as he did so. "Walk me back to my quarters, Lieutenant."

"Certainly, Commander," the half-Klingon agreed immediately. "I've got a bone or two to pick with you along the way."

"I'm sure you do," he said ruefully, walking towards her.

"Chakotay." Janeway said suddenly, her voice rough with emotion.

He turned back towards her, and their eyes met for a long moment. "I know," he said simply. "I know." He held her eyes for several seconds, and then turned and followed B'Elanna out.

Janeway stood silently in the center of the room for a long moment, hardly believing what had just happened, and afraid to give in completely to relief. Then she lifted her head, straightened her shoulders and said, "Computer, activate EMH."

The Doctor winked back into existence, his mouth still half open in protest. He looked around, startled, at the empty holodeck, and then his eyes returned to Janeway. "Did everyone the Commander can't wish out of reality get angry and go home, Captain?"

She stepped forward, spreading her hands in apology. "I'm sorry, Doctor. He's sorry. It shouldn't have been done."

"That's certainly true," the hologram sniffed. "You're lucky I can't shut you off. I'd be blissfully alone on the ship by now."

"Doctor." Janeway held up a hand. "Please. You will get all the explanations you require, if you'll allow me to apologize so you can go to Chakotay's quarters."

"What possible reason could I have for going to the Commander's quarters?"

"He wants to talk to you--actually, he needs to. He needs you, Doctor."

The hologram sniffed. "I should say so, if he wants to keep his rank on board this ship." Janeway opened her mouth in annoyance, and he held up a hand in turn. "It's all right, Captain. I can see that the possibility of losing command has no doubt passed." His gaze turned appraising, one eyebrow cocked. "The absence of the tension that has defined your neck for the last month alone tells me that...the tide has turned, perhaps."

Janeway nodded. "Turned. Yes. The Commander and I have...resolved our problems. The worst of them, anyway. The rest should be much easier, once he's spoken to you."

The Doctor looked uncomfortable. "I'm not a trained counselor, Captain."

"Surely you have subroutines; Chakotay says he's directed crew members to you before."

"He has. But those problems were usually--well, without divulging confidential information--things like homesickness, or problems adjusting in a new working environment. I have yet to deal with anything on this type of level."

Janeway walked over and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. "None of us have, Doctor, Chakotay included. It's taken a great deal from him to reach the point where he can ask for this kind of help; I don't know if I could in his place. But he realizes the necessity of getting past these problems, for personal peace as well as the health of the ship, and he thinks you may be able to help him."

"I wish I shared his confidence."

It was unusual for the normally over-pompous hologram to admit to this kind of uncertainty. Janeway appreciated the admittance, and said so. "But all we can do, Doctor, is care about him. Care for him. And hope that is enough."

"Holograms do not hope, Captain." At her look of exasperation, his expression softened. "But I will endeavor to do so in this case. I will do my best for the Commander."

"I know you will, Doctor. You never do anything less." Together they turned and walked toward the holodeck doors. "He's waiting for you in his quarters. I'll have Lieutenant Paris cover sick bay and call you if there's an emergency."

"Ask him not to move my instruments around when he gets bored, please." She grinned at him and opened the door, gesturing him through. "Oh, and Captain? Have some dinner--preferably not from Mr. Neelix's current menu. The way you've been eating lately, you must have weeks of replicator credits stored up."

Janeway took the mild rebuke as it was meant, and nodded. "Take care of him, Doctor."

Her answer was a solemn nod, and the hologram turned and walked into the corridor. Janeway stared after him for a long moment and then realized that for the first time in weeks she was genuinely hungry. Suddenly checking her replicator account balance seemed like an excellent idea.

* * *

Chakotay turned, unconsciously squaring his shoulders, as the door chime sounded. "Come."

The EMH stood just outside the door to his quarters. "I'm told you wish to speak with me, Commander. May I come in, so you can confirm the validity of that statement?"

"Please come in, Doctor," Chakotay said quietly. "I appreciate your taking the time to-" He stopped suddenly.

The hologram sighed. "I hope this stilted beginning isn't respresentative of the way the conversation will go."

Chakotay shook his head. "It just struck me. Politeness. Human rituals. It just occurred to me, that they might strike you as very foolish."

"As it happens I'm a great believer in the importance of human rituals. They provide a certain...lubrication to a society that needs all the help it can get. They've also provided me with many moments of amusing and diverting observation over the years. Well. Shall I stay or go?" And, by moving slowly, and stalling a bit, the hologram didn't quite have time to make it back to the door before Chakotay stopped him.

"I'm sorry. I'm not quite sure what to say to you." Chakotay ran his hand through his hair, a bit of his frustration returning. "I think I need your help. And I don't know how to ask for it."

"I'm here, Commander. The request has already been made."

Chakotay shook his head. "Not by me, and I think that's an important difference."

"True," the Doctor agreed. "I'll wager you're not completely certain what you're asking for."

Chakotay tugged at one ear. "That too. Please. Come in and sit down."

Crossing the room, the Doctor sat at one end of the couch. He crossed his legs, one knee over the other. Then he uncrossed them. Chakotay eyed him closely. "Are you okay with this, Doctor?"

"Of course I am." His shoulders squared, his chest lifted. Then his eyes met Chakotay's, and he sank back into the couch. "Commander, I'm a medical doctor, not Sigmund Freud. No matter how much psychological information has been downloaded into my database, I'm still a hologram who has little experience in this area. I suppose we'll have to do this together." His mouth twisted in a wry smile. "I'm sure my help will be better than what you were doing on your own, considering you were about an hour away from being relieved of duty."

Chakotay sucked in his breath. An hour? Then the rest of the hologram's sentence sunk in. "Past tense, doctor?"

"Perhaps. I'm convinced that there has been...some resolution of the difficulties between you and the Captain. Nonetheless I am not at all convinced of your stability at this time."

"No." Chakotay looked away for a moment, jaw tense. "Neither am I," he admitted softly. He turned back, his eyes narrowing. "You're convinced that... what did Kathryn say to you?"

"I think I'm the one who's supposed to be asking questions. At any rate, patient confidentiality. I'm sure you understand the concept. And perhaps...will appreciate it."

Chakotay nodded slowly. "I need your help," he repeated.

"I'm a hologram, Commander. A program. Unless you turn me off again, I am at your service."

"I don't know where to start."

"Well, you could start at the beginning, or you could start with Captain Janeway. Unless they are one and the same. But I find it hard to believe that this whole month's melodrama was merely the result of a lover's quarrel."

Chakotay turned sharply at that, his eyes flashing with annoyance. The hologram stared at him calmly. Slowly, the tension in Chakotay's shoulders eased. "That won't work," he said, conversationally.

"No? Not subtle enough, then," the doctor nodded to himself. "The patient recognizes the technique. Very well, Commander. Why don't you tell me what's been bothering you so much."

"It's...hard to put into an easy phrase. Twenty words or less."

"I don't eat or sleep, Commander. Though I fear for my sick bay while under the dubious guard of Mr. Paris, I have plenty of time to listen to you."

"It's difficult to piece it together." Chakotay exhaled sharply. "What's been bothering me. *I've* been bothering me. I've been fighting-fighting-"

"Lieutenant Torres. Captain Janeway. Perhaps--" The Doctor's voice died away at Chakotay's hard look. "Yes. Perhaps not so obvious as those. Yourself, maybe?"

A quick shake of the head. "Maybe. I don't know. Ever since the Kradin...at one time I was a very angry man, Doctor."

There was an undercurrent of humor in the hologram's voice this time. "So I've heard."

"Oh, it's true. Sometimes it was the only thing that kept me going. Anger. Hate. It's an ugly thing to carry around with you. When the Kradin brought that all back...I found it very hard to put away from me. I didn't want to feel that. I'd found something here on Voyager that..." Chakotay sighed unconsciously. He crossed over to the sofa, dropping into it heavily and leaning back. "It wasn't so easy though. It was as if I was...fighting in the dark. I don't know." He ran a hand through his hair. "I worked very hard to set aside that part of my life, and they reached into my mind and dragged it all back out again."

"A violation of memory."

Chakotay nodded. "Yes. I almost killed Tuvok. I probably did kill Kradin soldiers--I'm sure of it. It's been a long time since I've killed anything without guilt. They took that from me, gave me back a personality I thought I'd left behind in the Alpha Quadrant." He drew in a shaky breath. "And then Neelix died. That good man. For nothing. Because I wanted to prove something to Kathryn."

"You weren't the doctor that couldn't bring him back to life, Commander," the Doctor said, frowning. "I'm afraid that--honor--belongs to me."

"No. I know. It's just...I had tried so hard. And I was failing. I failed Neelix. I was failing Kathryn. I couldn't..." He shook his head as if to free himself from a vision only he could see.

"Neelix went on that mission of his own free will. And it's hardly a failure to want to succeed at the wish of your superior officer."

"It's more than that," Chakotay said, his voice nearly a whisper. "More." Then, louder, "It was...difficult...to hear Neelix talk about his afterlife experience. Or lack thereof. My people have a great belief in things of a spiritual nature."

The Doctor snorted. "I seem to recall archaic rituals taking place in my sick bay, yes."

Chakotay ignored this last comment. "I have always believed in the afterlife; that somewhere my friends and family who have passed before me are waiting to welcome me into another state of being."

"I don't believe that is in doubt."

"No. But Neelix believed the same thing."

Comprehension had the Doctor nodding. "And you believe that his experience foreshadows what will happen to you when you die."

"Perhaps." Chakotay dragged a hand over his face. "There are many explanations for what happened to Neelix when he was clinically dead. Medical explanations, psychological explanations. I've gone over them. But the doubts don't go away." He shook his head thoughtfully. "Neelix has regained his faith, has accepted what happened. It didn't even happen to me, and I can't get past it."

"Commander, I am hardly in the position to offer an opinion on the beliefs of anyone in the afterlife. Even if I were human, I would hesitate to get involved in the matter of anyone's personal beliefs. You have spent a lifetime discovering and developing your personal faith. Is one man's crisis--no matter how poignant it may seem--truly enough to make you start doubting what you have believed all your life? Or is this only a small part of a larger picture, blown larger than it might have normally been because of the rest of your recent experiences?"

Chakotay regarded the hologram a long moment, a smile ghosting about the corners of his mouth. "I thought you weren't supposed to be very good at this."

"I have an extensive database, and four years of activation. With all the observations I've done on this crew, I can hardly be expected to be anything less than an expert on human interaction and emotion." The hologram looked down at his hands briefly. "Though I will tell you that I was...unsure...of what I would say to you before I walked in here. And I don't think we're finished yet."

The Commander froze, suddenly unwilling to continue. "Captain Janeway and I didn't see eye to eye on something for a little while. It's fine now."

"Commander Chakotay." The censure in the Doctor's tone was clear. "Even if Captain Janeway had told me nothing, I would have to be a hypospray to not realize that something went on between you. Something serious."

Chakotay dragged a hand over his face and stood up. "I really would rather not say anything further."

"That is, of course, an insufficient response. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to elaborate. The command structure of this ship was in serious jeopardy. We can't have that repeated."

Chakotay flared with anger. "Ask all you want, Doctor. There are things that-"

"No."

"No? What do you mean, no?"

The hologram stood and faced the human, almost nose to nose. "Commander, I am your physician. I am the chief medical officer on this ship. I am also a hologram. You can confide in me as a friend, or a counselor; or you can provide me with data to process. But I have to ask what triggered this event. And you're going to have to give me a complete answer."

Chakotay sat back down on the sofa, jaw clenched. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, waiting for the words the Doctor needed. For words that would not betray Kathryn's trust, or make him look too much a fool.

Kathryn had talked to him, he thought. Surely there was enough to tell without telling...everything. "I don't know if you've been aware..." he said quietly. "Of the...attraction between us."

The Doctor snorted. At Chakotay's scowl, he waved a hand in apology. "I'm sorry. It's just that-I could hardly be *unaware* of it. When the two of you are in a room together the pheromone level alone --not to mention the body language--and, of course, the gossip that comes winging into sick bay on the arms of Mr. Paris." He broke off abruptly at Chakotay's exasperated breath. "Well, never mind. Let's just say that I was aware. But I've also been under the impression for some time now that...you, or she, had chosen...not to pursue the relationship."

Chakotay didn't' look at him. "Yes. Her choice. She was concerned that she would compromise her duty to this ship."

"With reason, as it turned out."

Chakotay shook his head sharply. "No. No. That wasn't...I'm going to have to explain this. Aren't I."

"I don't see how I can possibly understand you, let alone help, unless you do."

His hands were clenched now. "Yes. All right. Last month...it was after Prixin. The first night. We'd been talking in her quarters. We both fell asleep. Kathryn found a blanket and put it over me and went to bed. I woke her up, I don't know how exactly. I was having another nightmare. She came out to the living room and woke me and..." Chakotay stood and walked to the viewport, staring unseeing out at the stars.

"And?" the Doctor prompted gently.

Chakotay turned his head slightly in the direction of the doctor. "I don't know if I can make you understand this."

"Commander..." the hologram came a step nearer. "I've been programmed for psychology, and for medicine. Not for judgement. It's more important that I help you understand than formulate an opinion on what you tell me."

Chakotay sucked in a breath, shaking his head slowly. "It wasn't planned, Doctor. I had respected her decision before this. I didn't agree with her, but she had a right to feel that way. No matter how much it hurt, or how lonely I thought command was. But...that night. It was...pretty overpowering. And I.." He had to close his eyes. He had been wrong. He had been wrong. He hadn't hurt Kathryn. Not physically. "I thought I had hurt her. I was...we were...very. Unrestrained."

"I have treated crewmembers for...unrestrained...encounters before. I'm afraid I don't understand why that would be so...disturbing."

Chakotay swung around to face him. "God. Because I thought I had hurt her, Doctor. I felt like I had raped her." He choked on the word. "Not at the time. Not while we--but later. I looked at her. There were--bruises that I had--" The doctor watched as Chakotay visibly steeled himself. "That I had put there. And the next morning, the sheet had slipped down--I saw those bruises. I couldn't allow myself to lose control like that, you see. Not again." He looked back toward the viewport, not seeing it. "So I left. To not...inflict myself on her. I picked up the china we had knocked over and put the cushions back on the sofa and I left."

"Without speaking to her."

"Yes." And Chakotay closed his eyes.

"And that was... a month ago."

"More or less. Yes."

"Well," the Doctor mused, quietly. "The captain is a very...tenacious woman. And proud. So in the month since this happened, she's refused to ask you why you left."

"She tried. I avoided her. I thought she was...protecting me."

The hologram shook his head, hesitating for a moment. "All right, this is my first piece of professional advice, Commander. Don't ever do that again. Ever. Not only could you both not stand the stress, but she'd probably kill you." His voice softened. "The Captain wasn't hurt, you know. At least not physically. I've had reason several times during the past month to examine her, both surreptitiously and overtly. She wasn't hurt."

Chakotay sighed, a painful exhale. "I...know. Now."

"Commander..." the Doctor moved around so he was directly in front of Chakotay, capturing his eyes. "I don't have an...easy fix for you. On any of these problems, I'm afraid. But then, I don't think you expected one." He folded his arms across his chest. "I am happy to report that I am not at this moment questioning your ability to lead. And I have a prognosis of sorts, if you'd care to hear it."

Chakotay smiled for the first time, a faint challenge in his eyes. Wondering where this would lead. "Of course."

"I can tell you at least this. In a purely professional capacity. This...crisis of communication has caused you more trouble than the Kradin did. I can't help you with your faith. Or your doubts. But for your...strength, and your heart, Commander...I'd suggest you go talk to the woman next door." He held up a hand when Chakotay opened his mouth. "Please. A moment. I think you still have a lot to work through in your own mind. I'd be more than willing to continue to talk about this or anything else you think is relevant. But I think you'll take your first big step toward healing your--soul--by speaking to the Captain. Regularly." He leaned in, and his voice dropped to a whisper. "The crew approves, you know."

Chakotay chuckled a little at that. "Was the love of gossip part of your original programming, Doctor?" He smiled briefly, and then his face sobered. "I would like to continue this, I think. After."

"Well then, Commander, let me know when you're available and I'll try to fit you into my busy schedule. It's hard to leave my sick bay in the hands of Dr. Jekyll for very long." The hologram turned and walked towards the door, only to be stopped by Chakotay's voice.

"Doctor. Thank you."

The hologram nodded, a pleased smile lifting his mouth, and then was gone. Chakotay scrubbed a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath. Some water, first. And then Kathryn.

Epilogue