Peregrination, part four
by Melissa
**For disclaimers see part one
_______________________________________________________________
"The Doctor to Commander Chakotay."
"Chakotay here."
"May I have a few moments of your time, Commander, if you're not busy?"
"Certainly. I'll meet you in sickbay." Chakotay turned on his heel and walked back into the turbolift he had just exited.
"Actually, I'm in the Da Vinci simulation. Could you meet me in holodeck two?"
The Da Vinci simulation.
Kathryn, tongue-tied and unsure, shaping his figure as he watched her from the sofa; Kathryn, funny and teasing, her hair shining under the sun as they lay on the hill; Kathryn, her body, her lips warm beneath his as they...
"Commander?"
He was jerked out of memory and back to the reality of the lift by the Doctor's voice, .
"Commander--is something wrong?"
"No, Doctor," he said, pulling himself back to attention. "I'll be right there. Deck six," he said, wondering why the Doctor would ask to meet with him in the Da Vinci simulation. He supposed that Paris was in charge of sick bay, but even so, the Doctor usually requested a meeting in his office rather than elsewhere on the ship. The turbolift doors opened, and he nearly bumped into Neelix.
"I'm sorry, Commander!" the cook gasped, reaching out to steady them both. "I'm afraid I was so preoccupied with the data on this latest planet that I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking!"
"It's all right, Neelix." Chakotay moved to walk past, and then stopped, turning back to him. "A new planet? May I see the data?"
"Certainly!" The PADD was held out and Chakotay accepted it, accessing the first file and scrolling through it as Neelix continued. "It's a beauty of a place, Leriia. Their Precept is extremely friendly and very anxious for us to arrive for a visit. There's quite an extensive message in there about their beaches, and apparently the atmosphere and climate is very similar to Earth's."
Chakotay skimmed over several entries detailing the peace that had settled over Leriia nearly three hundred years prior, and mentioned it aloud.
"Oh yes, Commander. The Precept was quite eloquent about it. Apparently they won a war over three hundred years ago and have existed in peaceful cohabitation with the rest of the system ever since. It's really a lovely place, and you'll be particularly interested in the section on spirits. Apparently they believe in the spirit world much as your people do, in relation to nature and the universe and such. I found it very interesting, after all of those conversations we had last month." The Talaxian chattered on, not noticing the way Chakotay flinched at his words. "Shall I call you the next time I speak with the Precept? He's really most fascinating. I'm sure he'd enjoy speaking with you."
Chakotay nodded slowly. "Yes. And when do we reach this planet? Leriia."
"In about seventeen hours, sir. I'll keep you posted." Neelix smiled, and stepped into the turbolift. Chakotay stared at the wall for several moments, and then with a deep breath, walked with some apprehension to the holodeck doors. He palmed open the lock and entered the world of the Renaissance, never noticing B'Elanna standing in the shadows in front of holodeck one.
* * *
"You're late, Lieutenant," Janeway called back over her shoulder as the doors opened and closed, swinging her racket again and again to limber up her arm. "I was about to start playing the holocharacters." When only silence answered her, she turned around.
B'Elanna stood just inside the door, racket in hand, with an indescribable look on her face. Something was wrong. Janeway could feel it.
"What's wrong, B'Elanna?"
B'Elanna walked onto the court slowly. "I just overheard something in the corridor that might interest you, Captain."
Janeway laughed. "Not another Harry and Seven rumor, is it? I did see them--" She stopped as her mind began to identify the emotions flickering across the half-Klingon's face. Hesitation. Sorrow. Anger? Perhaps. "Something's happened. What is it?"
"Permission to speak freely, Captain?"
Janeway hesitated, and then nodded. B'Elanna paced away and back a few steps, tossing her racket to the ground in agitation. "Neelix and Chakotay were talking outside when I got out of the turbolift. They didn't see or hear me, and I meant to keep on walking, but I heard--" She paced away again, hands rubbing together, stalling for whatever time she could. "That Class M planet we're approaching has a climate very similar to Earth's. They have achieved a high level of technology and have been relatively peaceful for hundreds of years. They seem to be a very welcoming people with a centering foundation of faith that has been shared among them for as long as anyone can remember."
"Yes, I read the same things in Neelix's report three days ago. Chakotay has been helping him gather the data on the last several planets we've encountered--they've made a good team."
B'Elanna pursed her lips together, stopping a few feet away from her Captain. "Haven't you wondered why Chakotay has taken a sudden interest in the ambassadorial contacts? Why he's spent so much time helping Neelix gather data on these planets?"
Janeway shook her head. "No, not really--he's been taking an extra interest in quite a few areas lately. Branching out into departments he may have neglected before. His performance has been exemplary."
"I know," B'Elanna said, nodding. "He's months ahead on crew evals, and that new cross-training program he created really got everyone excited. And now he's delved into the world of ambassadorship, seeking out new worlds."
"The mission of Starfleet."
"Yes, except that isn't why he's doing it, Captain." She made a frustrated motion with her hand. "I don't know what happened with you and Chakotay on a personal level, but I know something happened. He won't tell me either," she went on, cutting off Janeway's protests. "but whatever it is has really blinded you to him the last few weeks. Can't you see what he's doing?"
"Lieutenant, thank you for your concern, but Commander Chakotay and I are--"
"He's leaving, Captain, can't you see that? He's helping Neelix because he's looking for a planet to stay on!"
The ceiling of the holodeck crashed in on Janeway. It must have. It was the only explanation for the incredible weight of realized grief that struck her. She nearly staggered, her breath catching in her throat, but she held up a hand as B'Elanna moved towards her. One hand reached out to steady herself on the tennis net. "Leaving," she finally managed to say, her voice harsh and uneven. "He wouldn't--I would know--"
Shared pain washed over B'Elanna's face. "That's what I thought, too. But it's the only explanation."
Janeway's hand clenched around the net, her body suddenly icy cold, her heart pounding. He had made love to her, he had left her room, and now he was leaving. Leaving. A thousand things became clear in that moment; his behavior, his performance, the innovations he had introduced on the ship. He was preparing things for his departure.
Her mind stretched forward to the rest of the journey, trying to picture it without Chakotay in the next chair. The only thing she could conjure in her thoughts was blackness. He had made her a promise, damn it, he had agreed to serve beneath her--no, with her. He had promised. Tears threatened and she fought them back with a rising anger. If he was leaving, he would have to tell her. Now.
"Computer," she rasped, "location of Commander Chakotay."
*Commander Chakotay is in holodeck two.*
Next door.
He had always been next door.
Her eyes met B'Elanna's for a long moment, but she found herself unable to say anything.
"Don't let him go, Captain," the lieutenant said, her face and voice impassive, her eyes pleading, frightened. Janeway could only nod before she called for the arch and exited, heading next door.
* * *
"Ah, so this is Katerina's Chakotay." A deep, resonant voice greeted Chakotay as the doors closed behind him, and he turned his head with some surprise to greet Kathryn's holographic mentor. Automatically he took the hand that was extended to him.
"Hello, Maestro da Vinci."
"It is a pleasure to finally meet you, sir. Katerina has told me many stories about you, and I have told her she should bring you with her on her visits so that I can put a face to the tales. Thankfully our friend the Doctor saw fit to bring you here, so my curiosity is stemmed for the moment."
Chakotay nodded at the Doctor as he joined them, completely clothed in costume of the period. "You wished to speak with me?"
"Actually, Commander, we both did. About Captain Janeway, and some rumors I've been hearing lately."
He froze at her name, and then forced himself to relax. "Rumors about the Captain, Doctor? Paris been working in sick bay too much?"
The Doctor didn't rise to the sarcasm as he usually would; instead, he reached up, removed his hat, and began to fiddle with it, frowning slightly. Stalling.
Da Vinci circled the two slowly, a glint of humor in his eye. "The dance begins, I see, and sooner than expected. Do you suspect you will be at odds?"
"Maestro--" the Doctor began.
"I think perhaps yes," Da Vinci went on smoothly. He stared at Chakotay, the glint in his eye hardening into steel. "A fine figure of a man. Perhaps that explains it."
Startled, Chakotay turned to him. "Explains what?"
"Katerina's late preoccupation, and the sadness she has been filled with. Unforgivable, that anyone would do this to her. I have been wondering who it was, but perhaps I should not have wondered." He waved a hand irritably when Chakotay opened his mouth. "I do not know what passed between you, sir. It is business that does not concern me. But Katerina, she concerns me. She would only say that..." he paused dramatically.
Chakotay's eyes narrowed. "She would only say that what?"
Da Vinci turned in a whirl of dark robes and strode to a long worktable, pushing through a pile of papers. He picked up a sheaf of sketches and brought them back to Chakotay. "This is the only work my lady has done here for weeks. Look on them, sir. What say you?"
Willing his fingers to be still, Chakotay took the papers, his heart tightening as he flipped through them. The drawings were all variations on a theme: the tattoo on his back. Some were just the design--large, small, sharp, blurred. Some were a figure study of an unidentified man, the perspective focusing once again on the design that Kathryn had only seen once. The night he had spent in her quarters. The night they had made love. What he had wanted to be love, he sneered inwardly. What had been more like rape.
"What did she say?" Da Vinci's voice stretched into his consciousness as if from a great distance. "She said that you ran away from her, yet she called you strong. I believe I would call you a coward."
Chakotay flinched, blood pounding in his veins, jaw clenched to hold back the tide of words threatening to break forth. The Doctor approached, taking the drawings from him and studying them intently.
"This illustrates my point rather well."
"What point?" Chakotay rasped.
The Doctor rolled his eyes and sighed, laying the drawings on the central table and clasping his hands in front of him. "If I must explain--perhaps you haven't been paying attention. I'm nearly to the point of declaring the Captain unfit for duty, and you know how well that action will be received."
Chakotay's jaw dropped slightly. "Unfit? Kathryn? You can't mean that. She's been...upset. That's all. It happens in humans, Doctor, but it doesn't mean she's--"
"After four years of constant activation I would say I am the expert on humans, Commander. I am well aware of the different kinds of 'upsets' one may be prone to. I'm afraid the Captain's behavior as of late has gone well past acceptable limits. I would call this," he gestured to the pile of drawings, "an unhealthy obsession. I can't be certain what your disagreement was with the Captain, though I'd be happy to speculate based on what the crew has been saying, and I think these drawings are strong evidence pointing in one direction. Up to this point I thought I was the only member of this crew who knew you had additional body art."
At any other time, the near-hurt shadowing this last statement may have been humorous. Now Chakotay's eyes flared dangerously. "You don't know what you're talking about. Either of you," he choked out. "And you have no right to speculate! Gods. I'm arguing with--"
"The only physician on your vessel, sir, and I believe he has authority over both of you, if I understand him correctly. I would ask that you not dismiss him so lightly." Da Vinci seized Chakotay by the shoulder. "This woman loves you. You are a fool if you cannot see this."
"No." Chakotay whispered. "No." More forcefully. "She doesn't. She...sees someone who doesn't exist. Someone who she thinks--who she needs to be stronger than I can ever be."
"Well, you'd better change your mind, Commander." The Doctor folded his arms, his face implacable. "And you'd better talk to her. Because if you don't, I'm about to pull the rug out from under both of you."
"I'm sorry, Doctor, could you repeat that please? And then perhaps someone could tell me what this little meeting is about?"
The three men whirled towards the door where Janeway stood, hands on her hips, confused anger flashing in her eyes.
"Certainly, Captain. I said, I'm about to pull the rug out from under both of you."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Janeway strode further into the room, stopping just a few feet shy of the Doctor. He drew himself up to his full height, clearing his throat.
"It means that I have had ample reason to doubt the fitness, of both the Commander and yourself, to lead this crew in a stable manner. Unless I see vast improvement quickly, I will have no other recourse than to place Commander Tuvok in charge of Voyager."
Janeway took a very deep breath, her anger completely overshadowing the other emotions that had brought her into the room. "What exactly have I done to merit such a threat, Doctor?"
"You are not sleeping, Captain," the Doctor began firmly. "You are not eating regularly. Your moods have been erratic and undependable. You have avoided shore leave, and spent over seventy-five percent of every bridge shift in your ready room."
"Have you been spying on me, Doctor?" Janeway's glare would have leveled nearly everyone on the ship. The Doctor, oblivious to the danger he would be in at the moment were he human, continued his litany, focusing on Chakotay this time.
Janeway watched the hologram, smoldering. Who the hell did he think he was, anyway? Was she not allowed the indulgence of emotional pain once in these many years? Was she never to have a moment's respite from the command chair?
And what had he just said?
When the Doctor opened his mouth to speak again, she realized she had spoken the last thought aloud. "I said, Captain, it's not really my business whether or not your problem with the Commander has to do with sexual relations."
Janeway and Chakotay stared at him, she, bright red, he, deathly pale, as Da Vinci sputtered nearby. The Doctor turned to the artist with an apologetic look. "I am so sorry, Maestro. I should explain. I meant to say, I overheard some of the crew saying that they thought that Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay had--"
"Computer, deactivate EMH and close Da Vinci subroutine!" Chakotay choked out.
"EMH deactivated. Da Vinci subroutine closed," intoned the computer as a baffled Da Vinci and a protesting Doctor winked out.
"What the hell are you doing, Commander? I wasn't finished with that conversation."
Chakotay said nothing, and she whirled to face him. He was leaning up against the table in front of the window, his back to her, his face averted. "Answer me, Chakotay. I want to know why--"
He turned to face her, and abruptly she felt her anger drain away. His face was gaunt, his eyes sunken and haunted. She felt the pain that had driven her into the room surge, crest, explode within her with a force that had her knees buckling against her will. Her emotions were choking her, breath escaping in a wrenching gasp that she heard as if outside herself. She sensed Chakotay's movement before she saw it, sensed his approach, felt his arms crushing her to him. She clutched at him, unable to fully grasp that he was holding her. Tears flooded down her cheeks. He was murmuring brokenly in a voice too low for her to understand, his hands stroking her hair and back as he cradled her. Minutes passed--how many, she did not know, and still he held her. He held her until the tears stopped and the trembling began. A thousand thoughts warped through her mind, and even as she was comforted by Chakotay's embrace, she cursed herself for wanting him. For needing him. He was here, now, but he was leaving.
Leaving.
She told herself to move, to stand, to get away from him, but even as the intention formed she tightened her grip on him, pulling his head down to hers. Their lips met, and Janeway gave herself up to the sensation, her hands caressing the back of Chakotay's neck, until suddenly he pulled away, stumbling to his feet, leaving her crumpled on the floor. She stood quickly, reaching for him, and he backed away, his hands warding her off.
"Why won't you touch me?" She didn't recognize the harshness as her own voice.
"I can't," he whispered, unable to meet her eyes. "When I touch you, I become someone I don't recognize. I'll hurt you. I'll hurt you, Kathryn."
She stared at him, trembling from somewhere deep within, trying to fathom what he was saying. "You're hurting me now, Chakotay!" She turned away, her arms hugging tight across her stomach. "I know you're leaving." She didn't have to turn to see him flinch. "Why do you keep doing that--leaving? The night we made love--"
"Love?" The word burst from him before he clamped his lips shut, and her head turned sharply at the bitterness in his voice. She watched his face blanch, harden, and when his gaze skimmed across hers, she saw the bitterness reflected. Bitterness, and...shame?
"Oh my God...that's it...that's it, isn't it...that's it..." The words slipped quietly out as she shook her head. "I'm a fool...I believed you. The angry warrior...every word. But it was only a story." She drew in an unsteady breath, each word a self-inflicted wound. "Only a story. And I believed it. I believed that you loved me."
"No!" The cry was torn from his throat, a horrible noise. "No. I do. Love you." Chakotay spoke as if the words were forced from him, each one like a dagger through him. She watched, aghast, as tears glimmered unshed in his eyes; drew in an unsteady breath as his words hung in the air between them. The first admittance, aloud, by either of them. He turned away, unable to face her any longer. "I wanted so much for you to know it, for us to share it, but I can't. I can't stay here, knowing what I'm capable of, how uncontrollable it is, how uncontrollable I am."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Janeway cried.
"I saw the bruises, Kathryn. The bruises. The broken sculpture. The state of your living room. The way I--I forced you--to kiss me, that first time. And then, that night, the way I--"
"Oh my God," Janeway breathed in horror. Slowly she moved across the room, placing her hands on his back, watching the muscles leap beneath her hands as he struggled not to react. "Chakotay. Look at me." He would not turn.
"Look at me, damn you!"
Slowly he turned to face her, his eyes reluctantly meeting hers. "Stop protecting me, Kathryn. I'm so--Gods, I am so sorry--I never wanted to hurt you. Never wanted to lose control like that."
She pulled him forcefully down to the couch. "Chakotay. Please listen to me." Her hands were on his face now, touching his cheeks and mouth. "I wanted you to. Don't you understand? I wanted to see that passion--that passion that you use when you tell me how wrong I am, or when you try to convince me of something I don't want to do. That passion that you think I don't see in your eyes."
He shook his head, not believing, and she cried out desperately. "God. God damn it! There were two people in that room. You were holding back. I wanted you to just let go, for one night--I waited so long and I didn't want to think, didn't want you to think, just wanted it to happen--"
He shoved away from the couch, pulling free of her and surging back to his feet. "Isn't this taking the good of the ship a little too far?"
She stared up at him incredulously. "What?"
"You'd say anything to keep me here, you're so wrapped up in the crew, nothing else matters. You'd go to any lengths if you thought it would do any good. Including lie. I was *there* that night. I know how it happened." He flung the words at her, despair shadowing his voice.
Impossibly, the pain grew again. "Then maybe you should go. If you think I would lie to you about something like that, because I thought it was dictated by my title, if you think I would deliberately deceive you in such a cruel, personal way--that I would fuck you to accomplish it--then go. Get the hell off my ship."
Tears threatened again, and she forced them back. "Look at me, damn you! If you're going to say these things to me, you can at least look me in the eye!" She stood up and grabbed his shoulders, turning him around so quickly he stumbled. "Damn you, Chakotay. Damn you. You wanted me to love you for years. Maybe you don't want it anymore, and this is all to drive me away...well, all you had to do was tell me. If that's what you want."
She raised trembling fingers to her lips, trying to retain some control. "But don't you stand here and tell me I'm lying about what happened that night," she hissed. "I saw the way you looked at me. I'm not stupid, except maybe for waiting too long. And I knew I was taking a chance, that you might be so sick of waiting that you..." She turned away slowly. Defeated. "I wish you would just tell me that. I've worked beside you too long. The crew does need you. I need you. But I knew the consequences."
She heard him move behind her. Heard papers rustling. She turned and saw him staring at the drawings she'd made. "God," she whispered. "Doesn't that tell you something?"
"It tells me you can't stop thinking about it. That's all," he said.
She lifted her face to him. "Haven't you been listening to me? Why would I want to stop thinking about it? Chakotay. Your hands on my skin..." She reached out slowly, touching his cheek, watching the pulse beat erratically in his neck. "Your breath on my face...of course I can't stop thinking about it! That's all you've left me. You left me," she snapped, her voice accusing now.
Chakotay stood, unmoving, as her words sank into him. Images of that night began to run through his head, and he could not separate them. Kathryn, writhing beneath him, her head tossed back, a smile curving her lips as he pinned her wrists above her head. Their fingers twined together on the pillow. Bruises marring her arms and hip, put there by his hands. Her hands on him, pulling him into her, harder. Faster. China crashing on the floor. Her screaming his name. Pain. A wondering joy. Passion darkening her eyes...she wanted him.
She had wanted him.
The realization crashed through him and he met her eyes in horror.
Janeway knew, finally, that he understood. She had finally gotten through to him. She reached for him, and he backed away. She bit back a scream, pressing her fists into her eyes. They stood there for a long moment, close together, but separate. Separate.
Finally, she lowered her hands. Her voice was calmer when she spoke, the center of the hurricane. "Computer, end program." And suddenly they were standing in the middle of the empty holodeck. "I don't want to be standing in a simulation when I tell you this. Look around us. No illusion. No lies. I love you."
Chakotay's head jerked up at her words, his eyes incredulous. "This wasn't exactly how I wanted to tell you," she said ruefully. "Now you can do what you want with that information. Throw it away. Embrace it. Or you can walk out the door and off this ship. I won't stop you."
Janeway stepped closer. "Or you could start listening, really listening, to me." He didn't move or speak, but his eyes clung to her. "I don't know exactly what the last few months have been to you. The Kraden and the Vori...Neelix. You haven't given yourself a chance to recover, to find peace...I want to help you. If you'll let me."
She felt like they were pursuing one another in an endless circle, never quite able to reach. The time had come to bring it to an end, one way or another. She straightened her shoulders. "If you really want to leave--leave me, leave Voyager, leave your family--then go, stay with the Leriians. I won't stop you. I'll tell you goodbye and I'll take my crew and we'll go on. Go on living, go on traveling. But you'll always be part of me now. Do you want my last memory of you to be rejection?"
Still, he said nothing. Her mouth twisted bitterly in fear. "Or maybe you never wanted me, Chakotay, maybe you only wanted the challenge, see if you could break my protocol, break my resolve..."
"Of course I wanted you, Kathryn," he burst out. "Gods, I wanted you. Want you." His voice faded to an anguished whisper. For the first time since entering the holodeck, she thought he was truly hearing her.
She shook her head fiercely. "How can I believe you when you've been planning to leave for a month?" He flinched visibly, and she could see that he was shaking. The terror that she was hurting more than she was helping threatened her control. "Do you honestly think I would have made it this far without you? Maybe you have that much faith in my abilities, but I sure as hell don't. I've been terrified, Chakotay. I've had doubts and fears just like everyone else. But when I lost faith I had yours to fall back on."
"That was your first mistake," he said harshly. She stepped toward him, mouth opening in protest, and he waved her quiet. "No. Don't argue with me. I cannot be the person that you need. I am not that person! You have trusted me, time and again, and I have failed." His voice broke and he shuddered, his shoulders heaving in a terrible half laugh, half sob. "You need a first officer who can be everything you need, who can be strong enough to support you and still support himself. I can't."
"Yes, I do. Yes, you can," she said quietly. "You're wrong. I need you. And you need me, to support you. I haven't done that. I'm sorry."
"You're sorry? Kathryn, you have no--"
"Gods, Chakotay, shut up, would you?" she blazed at him. He stared at her, shocked, as her words rang out in the empty room. "Why don't we have you hanged, then? Or tarred and feathered, maybe. The time for self-flagellation is over. You hurt me." Pain edged her voice. "You hurt me like I never imagined you could. But you also made me a promise years ago. If you're rescinding it, I want to hear you say it."
She watched his profile, watched the tightness of his jaw and the stiffness of his neck, watched as he brought one hand up and rubbed it across his face. "No."
"No?"
"I can't. I can't say that."
A heavy relief began to rush through her, and she closed the distance between them in two steps. Gently, she reached her hands up, cupping his face between her hands, brushing moisture from his cheeks with soft fingertips. Waiting. Waiting as his eyes met hers, and she could see the grief within them. Waiting as his arms slowly came up, encircling her back. Waiting as he pulled her against him, his face thrust into her hair, her face shoved into his neck as he held her.