Night on Voyager, though indistinguishable physically from the day, was nevertheless a silent time. Nonessential personnel slept while a much smaller shift kept the ship running smoothly. This was when Janeway usually slept. Not tonight, though. There would be no sleep for her this night. She walked the decks restlessly as she had several nights before: the first time she had tried to talk to Chakotay. The fist in her stomach clenched. She walked on, deeper into the bowels of the ship, arms folded across her chest, head bowed slightly. Voyager. Her ship--her home. She felt protected within its walls, she thought, reaching out a hand to trail along the bulkhead as she walked. She thought about retreating to Maestro Da Vinci's workshop, but didn't want to explain her present mood to him. Her feet took her towards the observation lounge, and as she rounded the corner, she smacked straight into Tuvok.
"Excuse me, Tuvok," she said, shaking her head. "I was a little distracted."
"That is to be expected, Captain. This is, however, preciptous. I was coming to meet you."
"Is something wrong?"
"Yes, Captain. I must decline your offer to become the first officer of Voyager."
Janeway looked at him, stunned. "Why is that?"
"I can not accept knowing there is someone more suited to the position than I. I believe that to give me that title will not improve matters on this ship."
"Tuvok..."
"Captain, you have always been someone who sets aside personal matters in favor of professional problems. In most cases, I would agree that your course of logic is prudent. However, in this situation, I believe it would be in the best interest of the crew, as well as your own, to resolve your problems with the Commander and restore his rank to him."
Janeway was speechless. Tuvok had never been Chakotay's defender; they had never been friends. As if he could read her mind, he went on, "I have developed a great respect for the Commander over the years, although I confess it was not always so. I have never had ambition for his chair on the bridge, and would prefer not to assume it now. I urge you to resolve these differences, for the good of the mission." He looked at her for a long moment, and then nodded briefly. "Good night, Captain."
She stared after him for a long moment before turning and heading into the lounge. *Star viewing will help me think,* she thought. The doors opened before her, and as she stepped inside she heard low voices and a woman's laughter.
In chairs set before the viewport, Chakotay and B'Elanna sat. Chakotay was wearing what she recognized as his old Maquis uniform, and B'Elanna lounged in what was apparently her exercise clothes. He was telling her something, pointing out the window, and she was laughing. Glancing over her shoulder, she caught sight of Janeway as she entered, and gestured her over.
"Insomnia, Captain?"
Janeway could see Chakotay stiffen immediately at B'Elanna's words, but she forced herself to cross the room anyway. "Just a bit of wandering, Lieutenant."
An uncomfortable silence stretched over a minute or so, as all three stared out at the stars. Janeway watched B'Elanna reach out, touch Chakotay's arm, and stand up. "If you'll both excuse me," she said, "I'm a little tired. I can only kill so many holocreatures in one night without collapsing. Good night, Captain, Co--Chakotay." Without looking at either again, she was gone.
Janeway was frozen where she stood, wanting to leave, wanting to stay. Wanting to scream. Chakotay stood up, still not facing her.
"Computer, engage privacy lock. Do not disengage without my authorization. Chakotay omega four one nine."
She knew that her voice codes would override his, but that didn't stop the fist from clenching in her stomach.
"What I did was unforgivable," he started with no preamble. He was calmer, she noticed; a little of his former peace had returned to him. She wondered what B'Elanna had said to him, and what they had spent the evening doing. "I can't expect you to excuse it," he was continuing. "I hurt you, and I will carry that regret with me always." He ran an impatient hand through his hair. "We had built a house of trust here, Kathryn, you and I; we have been knocking it down since our encounter with the Borg. Yesterday I finally leveled it. I will always be sorry."
Janeway stared at his back, watching tension ripple across his shoulders. "We have hurt each other, Chakotay. We haven't been acting like the captain and the first officer, not really."
"What do you mean?" he asked softly.
"I have been--using our friendship--and the way you feel about me--against you for a long time. Using it to get you to go along with my decisions."
"I would have done that anyway. I told you that."
"I know. But the reality is, I did it--and that combined with...with.."
"Last night." Two words evoked more than either wanted to remember.
"Last night." She took a step forward, stopped as he spoke again.
"There are no words, Kathryn."
"I have three, Chakotay: I forgive you."
He closed his eyes, willed his heart to continue beating. Turned, slowly, to face her. Read the truth in her face. "What?"
She knew he had heard her. She understood his need to hear it again. "I forgive you. We have wounded and been wounded. There is a time for it to end, and I think we have reached it."
Chakotay stepped out from behind the chair, closed half the distance between them. "Kathryn, anything that has happened to me today, I caused."
Janeway let out an exasperated sigh. "Stop beating yourself up over it, Chakotay. Please. I won't allow you to absorb all the blame; enough has happened to you in the last week."
They stared at each other, and suddenly a laugh burst from Chakotay's chest. Janeway raised an eyebrow, but after a moment, let out a laugh of her own. "Shall we go to the holodeck and replicate a couple of hair shirts, Commander?"
The use of his former title sobered them both. "Please give Tuvok my congratulations," he said quietly.
"He turned it down." He stared at her in disbelief, and she related the conversation she and the Vulcan had just had.
"He is a noble man," Chakotay said.
"I know."
Slowly, he raised one large hand towards her, palm up. Carefully, she stepped forward and placed hers on top of it. They stood that way a long time, each taking strength from the other. Then, gently, he pulled on her fingers, just a little. Without thought, she closed the rest of the distance between them, sliding her arms around his waist as his closed around her back. Together they stood for a long while, giving and recieving comfort, every breath an apology. Finally he moved, brushing his lips over her forehead, her cheeks. She opened her eyes, staring up at him as he rested his forehead against hers, a question in his eyes. In answer, she tilted her head slightly, and his mouth met hers.
*So gentle,* she thought. His lips moved over hers softly, almost reverently. Tears pricked the back of her eyes as his hands came up and gently took down her hair--an action that suddenly made sense of many unidentifiable looks over the years. She stood there with her arms clasped around him as he worshipped her mouth, and a moan registered in the back of her throat at the first tentative touch of his tongue. Her hands curved around his neck and she pressed forward to deepen the kiss, touching her tongue to his and feeling his body shudder.
Several minutes later they separated, each a little breathless, Janeway burying her face in his chest with her head tucked under Chakotay's chin. "That's how I always imagined it," she admitted softly, and then would have given anything to take it back when his body jerked in response. "Chakotay, I--"
"Ssh." He swung her up and into his arms effortlessly, carrying her over to the couch and placing her at the end. He waited for her to settle comfortably, curled up at one end, before he lowered himself next to her. "I would give anything if I could take that back, Kathryn."
"I know you would."
He clasped his hands in his lap, shoulders lifting in a silent sigh. "I've imagined kissing you too--probably more than you have," he said, smiling a little. "My imagination never quite painted a picture like last night. I can't take it back, I can only try to make up for it. But there is still a lot of wrong between us, and we need to fix it before we can move on."
Janeway nodded. "I agree," she said, one hand reaching up and removing the pips from her collar. At his quizzical look, she said, "This conversation is between Kathryn and Chakotay." She put the pips in his hand and closed his fingers over them. "Equal footing."
"Equal footing." Chakotay shifted around and laid the pips on the table next to them.
Janeway tucked her feet beneath her, glancing for a moment at the symbol of her rank, so rarely set aside for any reason. Chakotay followed her eyes and nodded knowingly. "It's hard to separate the two," he acknowledged. "I don't even know if you can anymore--or if you should. 'Captain' has become a part of 'Kathryn', and I'll admit it's the part I know best."
"Yet you set it aside when you came on as my first officer," she murmured. "I asked, and you agreed."
"It was right. Did you expect me to try and lead a Maquis mutiny?"
"No, but Tuvok did," she said, her mouth stretching into a wry grin.
He smiled a little in response, and then his face turned serious again. "B'Elanna and I spent a few hours killing faceless holocreatures," he said lightly. Her eyebrows lifted a little in surprise. "I was skeptical too, but B'Elanna knows me pretty well. It was the final step in the healing, I think. A little unconventional, but it seems to have worked. Now I am just left with confusion over the Kradin and Vori, but they are questions I don't want answered. I think it's just better to let it go." And quietly, he told her the whole story, from Namin to Karya, from the trunks to Lahanna Settlement. Her eyes were closed by the time he got to Tuvok's rescue effort as the full weight of the manipulation he had suffered settled over her. When he finally stopped speaking, she opened her eyes to his again. The tension had left his neck, and his hands relaxed a little more comfortably in his lap.
"I'm sorry," she said simply, reaching out and touching his hand. He clasped her fingers within his own and they sat that way for several minutes, his story washing them both a little cleaner. "We need to talk about last night," she finally said.
"I know."
"Kath--"
"Chak--"
They smiled at each other. "Go ahead," she said.
His thumb rubbed absently over her fingers. "I have no excuses to offer you, Kathryn; nothing would change what I did. I am ashamed of it, and embarrassed, and regretful. But none of that changes what happened."
"Chakotay, I understand why it happened. I am not fond of the tactic, but I understand. I know you would never hurt me deliberately." She took a deep breath, letting it out with a catch. "You scared me. I have never seen that side of you before; I certainly didn't expect it to happen that way. But I meant what I said: I forgive you. I don't see the Chakotay of yesterday in the man sitting before me now, and I don't think I'll see him again."
"I wish I could forgive myself as easily."
Janeway looked at him for a long moment. Made a small decision.
"Come here," she said, stretching her legs and her arms out towards him. There was a long pause where neither breathed as her words settled over him. Carefully, he moved forward, turned around, leaned back against her. She settled his head on her chest, leaned back a little farther, and clasped his hands with hers. His face rested on her arm and their legs were intertwined on the couch. Her chin was in his hair, his breath on her arm. "Don't forget it. It is an ugly moment in our lives, but it's not the first, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Seventy years is a long time to be with anyone, especially in deep space. It's never been completely smooth sailing, and I don't expect it to be now." He didn't say anything, unsure of where she was heading. She cleared her throat quietly and went on, "I'm sorry I didn't wait to announce your resignation to the officers," she said. "It was impulsive and emotional and very non-Captain like to allow any of that to happen. I intend to rectify it before any of the other crew find out--if you want your rank bar back."
"I told you I would go with you, Kathryn, and share your burden. I meant it then. I still mean it."
A vision popped into her head, of Chakotay on the bridge in the same clothing, grabbing B'Elanna and keeping her away as Janeway insured their stay in the Delta Quadrant by destroying the Array. 'She's the Captain,' he had said. He had never gone back on that alliance.
"I'm sorry I chased B'Elanna out of here," she said unexpectedly, and was answered with a soft chuckle. "What?"
"I don't think B'Ela was sorry to go," he replied. "I think a certain conn officer was waiting for her."
"Tom? Are they--" She felt him nod.
"When they were stranded in space, apparently they--shared some feelings. Well, she did."
Janeway shook her head, stunned. "What did she say?"
"She told him she loved him."
"What did he say?"
"Paris' exceptionally wise choice of words was 'You picked a great time to tell me'."
Janeway laughed out loud, and the sound warmed him through. "Oh, poor Tom. She must have had a field day with that one." She smiled, thinking of the ferocious, loyal, insecure Chief Engineer and the brash, egotistical, steadfast Lieutenant. "I hope it works out for them."
"That's what she said to me," Chakotay said without thinking, and then spent a few moments trying to pry the boot out of his mouth.
Janeway sat frozen for several moments, unsure of how to respond. Her feelings were in a tumble, and she neither wanted to push him away or pull him too close. Yet. "I hear the last pool had 2-1 odds in our favor," she finally said.
He expelled the breath he wasn't aware he had been holding. "I wonder if Paris is going to clean up," he murmured tentatively. Her hands tightened on his.
"Perhaps, eventually," she said simply.
They sat that way for a long while before Chakotay shifted his weight, swinging his legs to the floor and standing to assist her up. She stood before him and he wrapped her in his embrace, nestling a kiss on her mouth and pressing his nose in her hair. He then stepped back as she replaced the pips on her collar and the clip to her hair, patiently waiting and watching. When she was finished, she straightened, a little of the command stance returning to her body. He just stood there, waiting for her to take the lead.
"Commander, I've been working on some clay sculpture in Maestro Leonardo's workshop. It's been interesting work...but I could use a model." At his silent nod, she said, "We could use the time away from everything, to talk--and to see about that betting pool."
His smile broke over her like sunrise over the ocean, and she chuckled. "Chakotay, you could start wars with those dimples." They stood there grinning at each other, and he raised her hand to his lips and kissed it softly.
"Come on, Kathryn. I'll walk you home."
FINIS
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