Disclaimer: All characters within this tale belong to the Great and Powerful Wizards of Paramount and Viacom. I have merely taken them over the rainbow for a little while. No pot of gold is being received in exchange for my words.
This story is dedicated to the persistent members of JetC10 who kept on me to finish it. It also has the dubious distinction of being the first story posted to that list. :-)
PART ONE
"Chakotay."
He stopped almost immediately, a combination of the surprise in her voice and his innate determination to obey her orders. The look in his eyes, however, told her it would have been better to just have let him go. He stared at her, his disgust evident in his next words:
"I only wish it were as easy to stop hating as it was to start."
She drew back slightly in alarm as he turned and walked off, not trusting himself to say anything else, and then she stood in the corridor for a long uncertain moment as one duty warred with another. In sick bay behind her she had the ambassador who had helped them, who was at the least confused and the worst offended by Chakotay's abrupt departure. Getting farther away from her every second was her recovered first officer, her friend, who had just been through a cruel and vicious ruse and was probably in need of the ship's counselor Voyager didn't have. It was a crunch time of a sort, and she fiercely ordered part of her to be still and made the decision. Pivoting sharply, she strode back into sick bay to apologize. And after the ambassador was gone, she was fully intent on finding out why Neelix had thought it would be a good idea to bring a Kradin in front of Chakotay.
One hour later...
Ambassador Treen had been more than understanding about Chakotay's reaction to him, once the doctor had explained the full implications of what had been done to him. He had left the ship on very good terms, though Janeway had her own doubts about whether or not she had gotten the full story. In the end, though, she decided that having her first officer back was the most important thing, and that it would be better to just see how the next few weeks went with him rather than pursue the story any further. Neelix had apologized several times, insisting that he had no idea Chakotay would react as he did, and only thought to allow the ambassador a few parting words with him. He was so upset by what had happened as a result that Janeway didn't have the heart to take him to task as she would have liked. It would be up to her now to deal with the fallout. As soon as she could extricate herself from the bridge, she headed for his quarters.
*BWEE-DOOP*
She stood outside his door for several minutes after pressing the chime, fully expecting the door to open. Never had it crossed her mind that he might not be in there, or that he might not want to see her.
"Computer, locate Commander Chakotay," she said when the door did not open.
"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."
A moment of hesitation, before she tapped her comm badge.
"Janeway to Chakotay."
Silence. Silence that spoke volumes to her. Silence she refused to heed.
Before she could change her mind, her hand flew up and she keyed in the override to his privacy lock, stepping inside as the door slid open. She blinked quickly to adjust her eyes to the darkness, for the only light illuminating the room was that which shone in from the corridor and a bare glimmer from the window. The door slid closed behind her and she was plunged into near total darkness.
"I want to be alone. I thought you of all would accept that." His voice came from a direction she could not pinpoint, flat and cold. Unfamiliar tones.
"Then you don't know me very well," she said quietly, standing still in the enveloping darkness. "I thought you would need to talk."
He laughed mirthlessly, and she turned towards the sound. The couch, she thought uncertainly. "No, Captain, I don't need to talk."
"I want to help you, Chakotay," she continued. "The doctor said--"
"The doctor has no idea!" he bit out, and the fury behind his words had her stepping back involuntarily. "You have no idea." A long breath came from him, forced. "You couldn't even imagine."
"Try me."
A long moment passed during which neither said anything, and as she opened her mouth to reiterate her previous statement, he whispered,
"Go away, Kathryn--I can't do this right now. I can't take what you are willing to give me, because it's not enough at this moment. It may be enough tomorrow, but it isn't now."
Janeway closed her eyes against the darkness which was growing blacker with every word he uttered. To pretend she didn't know what he was talking about would be to lie to both of them, and in his present state of mind, she was unwilling to do that. Nor did she think herself capable of giving him what he was silently asking for. Not even now.
"Chakotay, I know that things have been...strained...between us the last few weeks.."
"Kathryn." His voice cut into her statement, hoarse and pained. "I know what you are trying to do, but please...go."
Janeway went.
In the darkness, hands reached for what was not there, and eyes closed over unshed tears.
*********************************************************************
Her feet took her restlessly from deck to deck over the next hour. Startled eyes met hers when she peeked into Engineering; she spent a lonely few minutes in the silent mess hall; she took the turbolift to the bridge but left without entering. She was in the middle of a fourteen hour shift break, and Paris would set his brain working overtime if she appeared on the bridge in the middle of it for no apparent reason. This is ridiculous, she thought to herself as she ordered the lift back to her deck. Just go to bed. She ignored the part of her that felt a lingering guilt, and minutes later she was keying her door open and stepping inside. One hand began undoing the fastening on her jacket as the door closed behind her.
"Lights."
She didn't know whether Chakotay's presence on her couch surprised her or not. His eyes met hers across the room, and they were tired, and a little defeated.
"My override code for yours, Commander?"
His gaze dropped to his hands, clenched together in his lap, and he said nothing.
"Would you like tea?" she asked to cover her confusion, for this stoic man before her was one she had not seen for a very long time. At his slight nod, she moved to the replicator and keyed in the order. She willed her hands steady as she carried it over and set it down on the low table, handing him a cup and settling a few feet away from him. She was uncertain what his appearance in her quarters meant, and was reluctant to say anything that might upset him, so she sat drinking tea which she did not taste. His hands, newly scarred, cradled the small cup gently, though he did not raise it to his lips. She glanced at him a few times, but his face was unreadable, and he did not meet her eyes again.
"Hatred is not common among my people," he murmured finally.
"It has never been your way. You are not a killer."
His head jerked up at that, his eyes piercing through her. "That's what Tuvok said. He said I was a scientist, and an explorer."
She nodded, gripping her cup a little tighter. "You are both of those things."
His gaze held hers. "But I have killed in the past--Cardassians, mainly, and a few others...here in the Delta Quadrant. And whether they were real or not, I did kill Kradin down on that sphere, and I didn't think anything was wrong with it. They deserved it. They were beasts...motherless beasts..."
Janeway put her cup down on the table and took his away as well, placing it next to hers. She gripped his hands with both of hers, her nails pressing into his palms. "Chakotay, you know what was done to you on that planet. You were manipulated in the most cruel of ways. They did the near impossible, making you hate anything enough to willingly seek its death."
His hands shook under hers. "I have worked my whole life to put aside feelings like these. And even so, after all this time, I still cannot control my emotions." He stood, pacing around the room, hands clenched in his hair, then at his sides. "I can't believe I allowed myself to be manipulated in that way again."
Both were silent for a long time, remembering the blonde ex-Borg who had last used him--a different situation, but one with lingering results that he obviously hadn't fully reconciled to himself. Janeway struggled to shove thoughts of Riley Frasier aside and concentrate on what he was saying.
"I still hate--I can't turn it off--I can't put it aside. I almost killed Tuvok, Kathryn, and I never would have known it. I don't think I've ever been so grateful for his damn logic in all my life. But even now, after knowing all this, I believe I would still transport down to the surface and join in that war."
"No you wouldn't, Chakotay; I know you better than that. These feelings are overrunning you now, but you will regain control of them." If she could have taken the words back she would have, because she knew as soon as she uttered them that they were a mistake.
She was right.
Chakotay turned to face her, pain etched into every line of his face. "That is what I do best," he snapped. "I am sure I won't disappoint you this time, Captain. You'll just need to give me a few extra days."
Janeway flinched at the words he chose, and a hand reached in and clenched a tight fist around her heart. There was bitterness in his voice that he had hid well from her--bitterness, and abject longing, and lingering pain. That she had caused some of it made it harder to bear, for it had never been her intention to wound. She had buried very deeply the regret that it had become necessary. Every once in awhile, in the shadows of her quarters, she would pull out a small box and gently finger the items inside. A few moments indulgence. And if there were tears on the tomato leaf when she put the box away, she let them be. Perhaps she would also allow herself to imagine that he was doing the same thing on the other side of the wall. And then she would curl up with her regret in a corner of the bed to spend one more night in a dream that had never been finished.
"Chakotay," she finally said, her voice gentle but labored, "I think I should rephrase what I just said. I want you to--"
"It's not necessary. You can change the words but the sentiment will be the same, and in the end, that's all that matters."
"It's not all that matters. I want you to understand."
One large bronzed hand came down on the table hard enough to make the china bounce, and he came surging to his feet.
"Oh I understand, Captain. More than you do, I think. If you'll excuse me, I think this was a mistake." Long strides took him to the door before she realized what he was doing.
"Where are you going?" she asked, her voice unnatural to her ears.
"To deal with this in the only way open to me," he said, trying to ignore the hurt shading the tones of her voice. When she moved to follow him, he raised a hand up as if to ward her off. Another step forward and he was gone.
Janeway sat back down for lack of anything else to do, her head falling into one hand, and stared blindly out the window.
**********************************************************************
Life went on.
It tends to do that, no matter what the personal situations of those living it. Voyager continued through the Delta Quadrant, problems occurred in Engineering, Neelix served leola root in the mess hall, and Seven of Nine struggled with humanity. Their experiences with the Caatati had left them no worse for wear; Tom and B'Elanna were back safely. All was normal and right--almost. Janeway had come up with several plausible excuses for why Chakotay was suddenly working beta shift rather than side by side with her on alpha, and she thought that the crew had bought into it. It would not do for any of them to know that Chakotay was working beta because he had told her it was the only way he would work. She had found that on a padd on her desk the morning after his return, and a week later, she was still staring at it. Oh, she had put it down, set it aside to eat, to sleep, and to command her ship, but when she entered her ready room, there it was. Concrete proof that Chakotay wanted away from her so much that he couldn't even work on the same shift. Concrete proof that their confrontation over the Borg had combined with his experiences of the prior week to drive a rift between them the size of the Enterprise-D. Concrete proof that the man who had stood beside her through everything, who had become her best friend despite a less than auspicious beginning, was hurting and didn't want her help.
If she just kept working, just put the padd down and kept working, maybe she could get through it. You are a Starfleet Captain, damn it,she told herself. You have a responsibility to this ship greater than your need to wallow in personal problems. It was thoughts like these that caused her to square her shoulders and step out to face her crew, head high, chin up, hands on hips. Life went on. Alpha shift continued almost normally, except for the conspicuously empty chair beside her on the bridge.
Janeway reached out for her mug, grimacing at the cold tea that met her lips, and picked up the padd for the fifth time that morning. You are fixated on this, she scolded herself. One hand lifted, prepared to delete the material, as the door chime sounded.
"Come in," she said, letting the padd fall to the desk again.
The door opened, and B'Elanna Torres entered, padd in hand. She stretched her arm over the desk and handed it to Janeway. "The engineering updates you wanted, Captain." She stood rigidly, waiting to be dismissed.
"Thank you, Lieutenant. Please sit down."
Her Chief Engineer took the chair reluctantly, she noticed. It had been a few days since she had seen B'Elanna, and it was apparent that something was bothering her. If she knew the half-Klingon at all, it would only be a matter of seconds before she told her what it was.
"Seems like an interesting training project Chakotay is working on." Torres' calm words belied her narrowed eyes. Janeway steepled her fingers together, elbows leaning on her desk as she bent forward slightly.
"Seven is having some adjustment problems. Chakotay volunteered to work with her personally to help her adapt a little better to Starfleet ways."
"Did he?" Torres folded her hands in her lap. "Word around the ship is he was banished to beta shift as some kind of punishment."
Janeway's mouth dropped open slightly, and she quickly closed it again. "I can assure you, Lieutenant, that is not the case. You should know that most shipboard rumors are greatly exaggerated. It was his suggestion, and a good one, so I took him up on it."
Torres nodded slightly, rising from her chair. "Then that's what I will tell people if they ask." She walked towards the door, turning back just before she reached it. "I've been on beta the last two nights, Captain. If Chakotay is happy working the shift, you certainly can't tell."
"Not having a counselor on board is a problem in cases like this," Janeway said, trying to keep her voice light.
"I know. In cases like this, you really need all your friends around you." With that, she was out the door. Janeway leaned back in her chair, feeling as if she had just been slapped, though she knew B'Elanna didn't mean it that way. The Engineer had an incredible affection and respect for her former Maquis captain, and was fiercely protective of him as well. She was reacting to his pain exactly as Janeway would expect her to. Hopefully she would approach him and try to do something about his melancholy, because he had made it more than clear that his captain was not welcome.
Life went on.
************************************************************************************
Lift the fork. Chew. Swallow.
Life had suddenly become a series of small actions, meaningless separately, but if concentrated on and combined, would allow him to go on living without going insane.
Beta shift was quiet, slow compared to alpha. Paris was running the bridge this week, training a handful of precocious ensigns, but Chakotay had chosen to keep to the bowels of the ship. He had spent a few days with Seven of Nine, going over various sections of the Starfleet database with her, before turning her over to Ensign Kim for a joint project in stellar cartography. He had then spent several days reworking duty assignments, holed up in his office. He knew that technically it was time to return to alpha shift, but he didn't think he could walk onto the bridge and pretend that everything was fine.
He also didn't think he could walk onto the bridge and face her, after telling her he couldn't work with her anymore. They hadn't exchanged a word since. He knew that the harmony they had created amongst the senior staff members would deteriorate rapidly once people started to figure it out. They couldn't afford for that to happen. It had taken over three years to come this far. He would not be responsible for a fraying of the crew. But he could also not be responsible for his actions if he returned to her side. That too was a problem he knew he would have to deal with eventually, but at the moment he couldn't conceive of how he would go about it.
"Mind some company?"
Chakotay's head jerked up from his partially eaten meal to see B'Elanna standing over him, tray in hand.
"Would it matter?"
"It always does," she chided him softly.
Their eyes held for a long moment before he let out a long sigh, and then nodded once. She pulled out the chair across from him and slid into it, setting her meal down with a grimace. She ate silently for a few minutes, watching him rearrange what looked to be most of his dinner several times before she spoke again.
"You should eat that."
"Don't mother me, B'Ela," he snapped.
"You're losing weight, Chakotay. I bet you aren't sleeping, either."
"I didn't realize Kes left her telepathic abilities behind."
"I never knew you to be a man who keeps everything inside--or who says things designed to hurt his friends."
"Maybe you never knew me. And most of my friends know to leave me alone, Lieutenant."
"I'm not most of your friends, Chakotay," she said, ignoring his use of her title. "You can't chase me away like you have everyone else. When are you coming back to alpha shift?"
Chakotay ran a hand through his hair, exasperated. "When I'm done on beta. Is this really necessary?"
B'Elanna stared at him, concern and irritation flickering across her face in turn, and then glanced around the mess hall to make sure they were alone. Very few people ate in the middle of beta shift. "Yes, it is. It's been over two weeks now, and you aren't getting any better. In fact, you're getting worse. I want to help." She reached a hand out to touch his, but he snatched it away.
"Then go away. If you want to help, go away."
"If you won't talk to me, talk to Captain Janeway. She will--"
He shoved back from the table, grabbing up his tray and dumping it in the recycler on his way out the door. He almost ran down Paris, who moved out of his way when the commander practically snarled at him.
"I didn't think it was catching," Paris shook his head as he sat down in the chair Chakotay had just vacated.
"What?" B'Elanna asked, still looking towards the door.
"A Klingon temper." When she neither laughed or scowled at him, he leaned forward, a concerned look immediately replacing the smile. "B'Ela, what's the matter?"
She turned back to him, her face sober. "Chakotay."
"What--the beta shift blues?"
She shook her head. "I think there's a lot more to this story, Tom. I don't buy that 'training Seven' story a bit, but the captain insists that Chakotay working beta was his idea and not some kind of punishment."
"What do you think the reason could be if that isn't it?"
B'Elanna shook her head. "I don't know. He hasn't been himself since Tuvok brought him back, but I don't really know what happened to him down on that planet."
Paris reached out and squeezed her hand. "Maybe it's worse than we were told."
"It must be, Tom. It must be." She brought her other hand up to cover his. "And then I mentioned the captain, and he got up and stormed out."
Paris quirked an eyebrow at her. "Really." A grin played about the corners of his mouth. "How interesting."
She lifted her top hand up and smacked his. "Stop thinking with your betting padd, Paris, and start thinking about what we can do to help him."
"Or them."
She nodded. "Or them."
*************************************************************************************
Running...running...the wind at his side, around him, carrying him along as he ran...trees, hills, ground blurred into a long stretch of green as his feet carried him farther and farther away...gasping, he fell to his knees in a small grove...her face appeared in front of him, golden eyes peering at him through golden fur...sorrow seeped into his veins, roaring through his ears, knocking him backwards with the surprise of it...sorrow...his hands reached out for her but she turned and ran so fast he could not catch her...his screams echoed in his ears...
Chakotay swung himself up from the floor, his medicine bundle falling at his feet unheeded, his heart pounding. He became aware that he was sweating profusely, that his hands were shaking. His eyes darted around his darkened quarters, jerking to the chronometer. 2100 hours? How long was I meditating? He dragged his hands through his hair, struggling to regain control of his breathing. What was that? He had never felt those kind of emotions from his spirit guide before--such profound sorrow.
*BWEE-DOOP*
"Come." The word was out, a reflex, before he could take it back. He turned around to face the figure entering his quarters, shoulders heaving, fists clenched, conflicting emotions and visions running through his head. Janeway stood just inside the room, the light from the corridor illuminating her face for a moment before the doors slid shut.
"What do you want?" His voice was unnatural to his own ears, harsh and raspy, his breathing still heavy between the words.
Janeway's concern was immediate, palpable. She took a hesitant step forward, stopped at the narrowing of his eyes. "I came to try and talk to you--are you all right?"
"Fine." He turned away, staring blindly at the wall, fighting down the rage at her intrusion, the confusion over his spirit guide, willing his heart to slow before he lost control completely.
"Commander, if you continue to lie to me and refuse help with what is obviously a pressing problem for you, I will have to remove you from duty."
In a sudden fury, his hand reached up, snatching the rank bar from his collar and hurling it to the floor between them. "My resignation, Captain. Get out."
Janeway's anger matched his almost immediately. "Not accepted, Commander. You have a duty to this ship and to our people. I expect that you get the help you need and pull yourself together before your personal problems destroy what we have built here." What are you talking about, Kathryn? she asked herself silently. The crew, or the two of you? As she saw his fists clenching and unclenching, she thought she may have gone too far--but she did not fear for her safety while with Chakotay. She felt that no loss of control on his part would cause her harm deliberately. She held her ground. He whirled to face her, face dangerously hard in the shadows. "We have built nothing, Captain. One of us did the building, the other the dismantling. I am just finishing what you began."
"What? What are you talking about? I want to help you, I am trying to help you."
"The Commander does not need the help of the Captain. Gods, give me space to think and heal; why won't you let me do this?"
"Whatever you are doing, it's not working. I'm worried about you." Her voice was shaking, and she sternly ordered it to stop as she stepped closer to him. "I'm not here as the Captain, Chakotay. I'm here to help my friend."
He laughed mirthlessly. "Are you. How fascinating. I thought you were alone out here."
She drew back, his words stinging her heart. She had never seen cruelty from him before. It was unnatural, and it hurt more than she thought it would to have her words thrown back at her. "I'm sorry I said that. It wasn't fair to you."
"Well, I'm used to it now, I suppose. I don't want the help you are offering, Kathryn." Her name became a word meant to wound as he stabbed it into her with his voice. "I thought I had explained that the first time."
Janeway shook her head slightly, not really comprehending his meaning. "I don't understand any better now than I did then. Chakotay, please--" She reached out a hand and laid it on his arm gently, feeling his muscle leap beneath her touch. "I can't help you unless you tell me all of what happened, and what you need."
His eyes darkened, a shudder running through his body. "What I need?" Another laugh escaped from his lips, harsh and a little wild. She had only seconds of warning before he gripped her arms with his hands and comprehension set in.
Chakotay tightened his hands on her arms and took two long steps forward, forcing her to step backwards clumsily before she banged into the wall. Her mouth opened in anger, a small cry of pain escaped her lips right before his mouth came down bruisingly hard on hers.
It was less a kiss than a punishment, and hardly the way one wanted their first kiss with anyone to be. Janeway struggled in his grip, outraged, embarrassed, hurt, furious--and then, as his lips softened slightly, aroused despite her best efforts not to be. Chakotay's mouth moved across hers almost hypnotically, his hands massaging small circles on her arms without loosening their hold on her, and she found herself responding to him quickly. The moment he felt her begin to return the kiss, he released his hold on her arms, moving his hands up her sides. His pelvis was pressed into hers, his erection straining towards her as the kiss deepened further still. Her hands came up to his face, and then tangled painfully in his hair as he found the fastening of her jacket and quickly undid it, slipping his hands inside and brushing his thumbs across her nipples.
Janeway gasped, her hands moving down to his chest, and she shoved at him with all her strength. He fell back from her, their mouths separated, hands came down, and her fingers flew up and refastened her jacket. She stared at him unbelievingly for a long moment, tears stinging her eyes, his kiss stinging her lips, and betrayal seeping through her. A pain rose up from within her, a great, horrible pain that came up from her belly and manifested itself in her voice.
"You bastard," she rasped. "Resignation accepted, Chakotay. If you come anywhere near me, the bridge, or my quarters, I'll have you sleeping in the brig for seventy years!" A sob bubbled up, threatened to explode from her. "I trusted you--I tried to--" A hand flew up to her mouth, trying to stem the nausea that surged through her, and she turned and fled his quarters.
Chakotay fell to the floor, hands clapped over his mouth, horror filling his mind, sorrow crashing over him, regret soaring through him, self-loathing rearing its ugly head before him. What had he done?