Saturday 18 November
Nothing is Something.
In Acting the other day, two classmates of mine were in the midst of a rather intense exercise when one of them seemed to simply freeze up and shut down. The other had said something that landed on him in such a way that he had no clue as to where he should go from there. Barbara, one of our teachers, stopped them immediately and asked the guy what happened.
"I don't know," he said. "I didn't know how to take what she said to me just then."
"Then you have to respond to that," Barbara said.
"But I didn't feel as if I had anything to respond with. There wasn't anything there for me."
"Everything is something," she said. "Even nothing is something."
I thought about what she said. In terms of acting, I could see what she meant. But being that acting is an imitation of actual human behavior, how did that translate into real life? Nothing is something? What the hell?
Then tonight I received an e-mail from Doni. It was a short letter telling me about his top five placement at Sectionals and then segueing into the fact that it's been exactly a year this week in which we first started dating. He kept it concise but was sure to add in the obligatory "I miss yous" and the rest of your typical sentimental crap. But just as I had back in July when we officially ended the fiasco, I was unaffected. I felt nothing for him or our late relationship. And this time, it was true. There was nothing underneath the top layer of feeling. I wasn't shielding myself from a painful experience. I've been through that loop already and have in no way any desire to look back. I felt nothing.
But even that was something.
Realizing that Doni's electronic sentimental trip down a very potholed memory lane bore little to no effect on me whatsoever conveyed to me just how much of myself I'd been able to reclaim and strengthen since giving it up so easily several months ago. Rereading my entries leading up to the breakup, I reminded myself just how big a number that boy did on me. How I had let him take advantage and full control over me. How screwed up I was emotionally and with my close to nonexistent self-esteem. Feeling not a single pang of sentiment over this e-mail (which could easily be tacked right up on the board next to all of his post-breakup hidden plea letters) was my trophy of validation. With a little help from my friends and a lot of lost and found again trust in myself, I realized that I really am quite a strong guy. I don't have to be afraid of getting myself knocked down because I know I have what it takes to pick myself up again (and start swinging if I have to). I learned a lot in the past year since meeting Doni. There are things that I know not to do ever again in my entire life and ways of thinking that I hadn't been able to acquaint myself with before. But more than anything, I learned how to take care of myself.
And that's definitely something.
We had our first rehearsal for Playing House yesterday morning at 8:30AM. I was excited, of course, but the fact that I didn't get to bed until 3AM the night before due to a less than fabulous actor party I was obligated to make an appearance at, didn't make the happiest camper in the in the pack.
The read-through went extremely well though. Hannah is a real actor's director. She knows how to speak in a language familiar to actors and not some director's version of Swahili. Dierdre, Mark and I seem to have found a real connection with each other and with the script (which has been gorgeously written) providing for a great performance with really nice contact. What I found most interesting though, is the fact that we get the rare opportunity to work with the actual playwright throughout the process. Not only do we get the chance to ask specific questions regarding to the story and characters and get real answers, but as three young actors, we get to see the entire creative process unfold in front of us and know that we're an integral part of it. Plus we get to call ourselves the "Original Cast" which really blows my skirt up.
Okay, ready for the deal? Because here it comes:
The next MainStage show here is going to be Camino Real. As always, being a MainStage show, there are basically no major roles available to BFAs, let alone mere second year ones. The way it works here is that every MFA in the program is required to appear in at least one show per semester. Whatever scraps are left afterwards go to BFAs (with seniority). Of course, this only applies to the MainStage series. There are many other performance opportunities for BFAs with Director/Playwright plays (a la Playing House) BFA Projects and the black box Jameson Theatre which I personally believe to have the most exciting stuff going on from year to year.
Anyway, the callback lists for Camino went up and lo and behold, it was chock full of MFA actors. I was actually thrilled to see this for once though, being that the show rehearses over Winter Break and would have forced me back to school about three weeks prematurely. We all know how important going home is for me at the moment... And honestly, doing another MainStage show after Liaisons would probably drive me out of mind. I don't think I could take another three month adventure through the Land of Lineless Roles. Besides, I know for a fact that being stuck in rehearsal for Liaisons as a stupid set piece (essentially) stunted most of my chances for decent roles in the aforementioned BFA stomping grounds. Not being stuck with Camino will definitely open me up to better casting opportunities.
But then I noticed a sheet for all BFA or MFA who consider themselves decent dancers or tumblers. Well, being about one in three people here who come from a musical theatre background, I know that I'd literally spin circles around anyone here at a dance audition (I mean not to sound bitchy, but hello, Ann Reinking over here). And being that I was a competitive gymnast for nearly ten years wouldn't exactly hurt my chances either. I could theoretically put myself in this show.
But do I really want to do that? What if I'm required to be at each rehearsal and I get my much needed break snatched away from me to do yet another MFA-only show? What if a much better opportunity arises and I can't take it because I'm trapped in rehearsal shaking my ass with a bunch of line-speaking graduate students?
But on the other hand, what if the show turns out to be really fierce and I end up kicking myself in the ass for not grabbing the chance to shake it around in the show? It's a large cast with the most respected director here - Amy Salts - and would be an excellent way to show myself off in a really advantageous light. Besides, there's that part of me - the part who used to force me into doing two to three shows at any given time throughout high school - that's yelling at me to not pass up a chance to be in a show. Any show. Especially one which might help me out with getting myself more known in the end.
Ugh, the drama. I don't know why I major is this stuff.