Friday 10 November
Hit Me With Your Best Shot.
Believe it or not, despite being born with a Capricorn status and the emotional life of a Meisner actor, I can sometimes be a real push-over. In my instinctive attempts to be "nice" and avoid conflict at all costs, I sometimes take a lot of shit from people when I really shouldn't have to. I don't know what it is that stops me from standing up for myself when I should. I've always dreaded the idea of people being angry with me or worse, disliking me. For some reason, I get all panicky when things aren't completely kosher. But then the idea of being walked on by those who try to take advantage of my pleasant nature really gets to me and makes me wonder: where's the line between being assertive and just plain bitchy?
My last serious relationship (with Doni) lasted for eight months. For the final half of it, I think I took more shit from him to fill a cess pool the size of China. Even with all of my friends' advice, I wouldn't take a stand for myself until I honestly couldn't take it anymore. Eventually, he became the dictator over our relationship which caused me to go into a pretty self-destructive state of mind. My self-esteem out the window, I let him order me around and make me feel about five inches tall on a daily basis. Once I finally got out of the situation and vowed to myself never to go near another one like it, I met Ryan who at first seemed perfect. I would write about how he was an Angel in my journal and what a change from Doni he was. Meanwhile, I dumbly let him basically ignore me while he had the same whiny conversation with Parker (one of the older BTP-ers who got cast in Fosse) every single day about how he was trying to get himself into the show as well. Even while we were alone together, he rarely had another thing to talk about aside from himself. Once the Project was over and we were back to New York, he would whine to me over the phone about the same boring shit. Once in a while he'd complain about not seeing me often enough but when I actually did bust my ass to get to friggin' Astoria, Queens from Cherry Hill, NJ the entire weekend would be spent with Ryan having more quality time with his cell phone than with me. Even when I moved back to school and had an apartment literally a few blocks away from the NJ Transit that connects directly to New York City, he'd complain about never seeing me but not once did he offer to shoot down here. Oh no, it was just assumed that I was the one who was going to spend the $11.50 for the train and rearrange my schedule to fit him into it.
But the thing is: I did it. Instead of speaking what was really playing on my mind, I gave in. Why? To avoid a conflict? To keep everyone else happy while I kicked myself in the ass for things that in actuality weren't all that important to me. What was stopping me from just saying "No, I have just as busy a life as you do and if you're that desperate to see me, it's about time you made the effort to come down here. Oh, and leave your cell phone at home." I mean, wasn't that what I really wanted to say. But instead I hear my lips form: "Okay, I'll just have to hit the ATM and I'll be there in an hour," while my mind is screaming at me for being such a freaking pussy (I hate the word too, but there really wasn't anything as direct... sorry!).
The best explanation I can give is that it's simply in my nature to want to keep everyone contempt and happy. There are possibly a few other factors that go into it - maybe my self-esteem isn't where it should be and I feel that I don't deserve to ask for what I really want ... who knows? But I promise not to get all shrink-ish on you. I grew up in a family who never fought with each other (aside from the daily battles between my mom and sister over what she was going to wear to school) and everything, for the most part, was kept on a Brady Bunch pleasant level. I guess if that's what you're used to, the slightest conflict can seem like the end of the world. An argument is a battle and a fight is an all out nuclear war. It messes up the happy little order of things and send my brain into a frenzy.
Lately, I've been working on it. Especially if I plan on going into - of all professions - show business, I can't be the one to take shit from everyone. A push over in the business is going to get walked on by everyone and their dog. No, I'm not going out and picking fights with people or even starting an argument over the slightest disagreement. I said I need to become more assertive, not Hitler. But if I feel that someone is being truly unfair to me, I'm going to call them on it. My first test was last night...
I have a "friend" who we'll call Jim since I have no idea who reads this site anymore. Not that I really care if he sees it (see, I'm being assertive there!) but I figure I'll call him Jim anyway. I met Jim through a mere acquaintance of mine, who we'll call Adam, a few months shy of a year ago. Adam and Jim were a semi-couple when we met and eventually broke up a few weeks later. Before I continue, I'd just like to point out how un-close friends Jim and I are. It's a stretch to even consider him one as he's the ex-semi-boyfriend of a mere acquaintance of mine to whom I don't even speak to anymore. And at the present moment, he goes to school all the way in Vermont. So I basically don't owe anything to this guy anything more than a "hey" if I happen to see him around. But once Adam and Jim broke up, Jim started sending me messages on AOL asking if we could hang out (I didn't really care) and what to do about Adam (I cared even less). Of course I tried to be as nice as possible to the guy while mentally brushing him off as a typical AOL annoyance. The messages never stopped, however, and he managed to squeeze a few nights of going for coffee out of me. All of the sudden, as if matching Chai lattes held the same meaning as matching wedding bands, Jim declares me as one of his "best friends." Fucking hell. I never wanted anything more with this guy than a very minute "hey, I know you" type of relationship. All he ever wanted to talk about was whatever hot guy he was stalking on AOL (he does that shit) or the one he saw at Barnes and Noble, or Starbucks, or the bagel shop, or the gas station or whatever other irrelevant quick stop spot where he'd never ever, ever in a million years see this person again. And so I'd try to humor him on AOL and look the least bit interested in person while subtly hinting that if I had to be talking to him I'd like to at least change the topic. At this point, if I were normal and not a conflict-shy Brady boy who never wants to offend, I should have been bouncing off the walls screaming that if he didn't stop listing the exact features of all four hundred and sixty of his retarded "fantasy boys" I'd rip my face off and eat it.
Anyway, the boy has leeched onto my "niceness" and has been sucking away at it for months now. I know deep down that he doesn't mean any harm and so I've refused to bring up how I actually feel about him, our relationship, his delusional idea of our relationship and having to respond to his stupid e-mails starting with, "Oh my God, check out this guy who I met last night in the central NJ m4m room!"
Until last night when I signed on simply to check an e-mail message from my dad for five minutes. The IM window popped up:
JIM: Hey you.
ME: hey
JIM: How did the show go?
ME: fine, thanks.
JIM: How did you do?
(I've explained to him that I don't really do anything, but hey...)
ME: ok I guess
JIM: I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
JIM: ;)
long pause as I ponder the simple and poignant question of "what the fuck?"
ME: ok, thanks.
JIM: ok you're being a bitch. bye
...and he signed off.
First thought: "whatever..."
Second thought: "wait a minute, did he just call me a bitch!?"
Without thinking to stop myself, I opened an e-mail, slapped his address on it and proceeded to type the following: you know what Jim? I don't know where the fuck you get off telling me that I'm a bitch. Maybe I don't feel like having a ten hour long conversation about your latest AOL catch every single time I come on to check my damn e-mail. And when the third IM you send me is a declaration of love what do you expect me to respond with?? If you're so intent on being my friend then you're going to have to calm the hell down and stop taking everything so fucking personally.
I hit send without taking the time to sign it for fear that I'd retract the entire thing. I proudly relayed the entire story to Joey who had been pleading with me to do something like this for months.
All in all, I felt good about finally sticking up for myself and taking minimal shit. It was about time I did so. Not that I didn't have pangs of guilt or "should I have done it?" thoughts sneaking into my mind afterwards but I had done it and I wasn't going to hit unsend. I forced those thoughts out of my brain as much as possible because, you see, more than anyone I have to stop taking the stuff from the ultimate dealer of unnecessary shit: myself.