I Quoteth:

"I've had a wonderful time.  But this wasn't it."

Groucho Marx

Feeling

nervous as fuck

Wanting

to hear the doorbell ring

Playing

Jill Scott, "Who is Jill Scott?"

Friday 25 May

Red Alert!

Yes, I've been away for two weeks after throwing myself a huge fanfare parade about returning and yes, I have an actual entry in progress detailing the events of the past fourteen days.  But that one is going to have to hit the back burner.  I have a far more pressing issue - an emergency - that needs to be paid immediate attention.

I have no idea if I've ever gone into this issue in my journal before and I haven't the time to search through my archives to find out if I'm about to repeat myself or not.  So if you're heard the first half of this, bear with me.  I'll get to the hot-off-the-press info shortly.  

The background info: senior year of high school.  Choir and Orchestra Spring Concert rehearsal.  Kym and I sitting in the front row of the auditorium watching the band finish their run through of Mozart's something or other symphony waiting for the choir to be called on stage for our final run through of the unfortunate pieces chosen by our less than tasteful music director.  I spot a super hot boy banging away at the tympani drums who I've never noticed before.  "Who's that?" I ask Kym who used to play in the band herself and therefore knows, or at least knows of, each member.  "'Tyler Smith,'" (or so we'll call him here.  The name Tyler is hot.  Don't know why.  Just is), she says.

"What do you know about him?" I ask her.

"Um, not too much.  I hear he swings, though.  Just what I heard."

"And you withheld this information from me because...?"

"I don't know.  Didn't think you'd be interested," she says, annoyed.

"Are you kidding?"

I spend the remainder of the rehearsal with one eye on my music, the other on Tyler.  A few weeks go by, I see Tyler walking through the halls, I anonymously stare at him from my locker in the morning, ponder saying hello and immediately decide not to ... the usual high school crush routine. 

Until one day when I receive a bit of very, very interesting information. 

Kym and I, again, this time sitting in our little illegal stairwell hideout during study hall.  We'd be damned before sitting in the actual study hall room.  We're cool like that.  Our hideout just so happens to be located by the music room where Tyler has band class the very same period as our study hall.  Coincidence?  I don't think so.  A friend of ours, Megan, comes out of the band room to use the bathroom but I stop her before she gets there.  "Hey, is Tyler in there?"

"Yeah, do you want me to get him for you?" she asks.

"Oh, um, no.  I don't know him.  I mean, I'm not really friends with him.  I just know who he is and, well, I think he's ... way cute."  Nervous laugher.

"Really?  That's cool because he was asking me about you the other day."

My heart stops for a split second.  "What?  Wha... what do you mean?"

"I mean he was asking about you.  Like what I knew about you."

"Like, he was asking-asking or just asking?"

"I'm not sure.  I think he was asking-asking.  Do you want me to give him a message or something?"

"Well, here, I'll give you a note to give to him.  Is that cool?"

The note she passes on to him contains my phone number and a short message from me being nervously retarded.  The following day, he calls me.  We bullshit for about half an hour and then start talking about the important stuff.  What he's looking for in talking to me.  Making a long story short, Tyler's not gay but "open" and interested in experimentation.  With me.  I'd be his first shot, too.  I'd be the one to take his homo virginity.  This makes me just as nervous as he - and he is nervous.  I can tell.  We talk about it for the following few weeks but never actually act on it.  Eventually, I get tired of talking.  The boy makes me too nervous and is starting to give me ogeda.  And so we stop talking.  Completely.  I graduate high school and don't see or hear from him before I leave for college the following September. 

Fast forward to Spring Break of this year.  I'm online and out of nowhere, decide send an e-mail to Tyler just to see how he's doing.  He is very excited to hear from me and we make plans - finally - to actually get together and just "hang out."  Whatever that means.  Predictably, something comes up and Tyler never makes it.  I go back to school.

Flash to this past Monday.  I come home for the summer.  Get an IM from Tyler asking if I'm through with the semester.  He tells me that I've been the topic of conversation between himself and a friend over the past few days.  Curious, I ask him to elaborate.

"Well, I was talking about how I want to experiment with you," he confesses.

"Okay ..."

"I was talking about what I want to do with you ...  she was, um, giving me tips."

I stay frozen.

"Your lack or response is unnerving," he says.

"Oh, I just wanted to make sure you were finished..." I say quickly.

The conversation continues and ends with no actual meeting planned.  Just more talk.  Until tonight.

"Hey boy," says the IM on my screen an hour ago.

"Hey, what are you up to?" I ask.

"Not sure yet."

"I think I may be having some people over tonight since I'll have the house to myself for once," I say, completely platonically.  I've had it with him at this point.

"Tempting," he says.

"For whom?" I ask.

"Me."

"Oh ... I just wanted to see where you were going with that before I responded.  Well, you know, I'll let you know if anything is going to be happening here tonight."

"Okay."

"Unless, um, unless you wanted to hang out before then ... or whatever."

"Maybe"

"We wouldn't have to do anything you didn't want to, just so you know."

"No, I mean, I want to.  I just don't know how I'd feel."

"You mean afterwards?"

"Yes.  Afterwards."

"Well, I can't tell you that.  You'll feel how you feel, you know?"

"Yeah, I'm just nervous."

"Well, I'm, um, not not nervous, you know.  Look, it's cool, Tyler.  We can do whatever you want or don't want to do.  Whatever you want is fine with me."

"Thanks, Mike.  Well look, I've got to go eat dinner now.  If I do decide to come over there, it'll be by 7:30.  If I'm not there by then, I'm probably not going to make it.  No offense."

"None taken.  Gotcha."

"Okay.  See ya."

"Maybe."

"Right."

It's now 7:21p.

Tick tock.